just plain

It's been a long week. And it's only Tuesday. Not good.

Life is busy, and I haven't been paying attention to this thing as I should, well, neither have I been paying attention to myself. What have you been paying attention to, girl? I don't know, maybe this stupid 6-credit class I'm paying out of the ass for, full time researching at Mayo... as well as trying to find somewhere where I fit in. All in all, I'm just plain tired of it. Tired of...

Coming in to work and finding that my results are totally worthless, because some element of my experiment design is wrong or is based on an incorrect assumption...

Being the outsider.

Trying to stay awake for a four-hour-long class after working for 8 hours, taking notes on stuff I probably already know...

Not being jock enough, and then being considered not enough of a girl.

Waking up every morning at 6:30.

Wanting something more out of life, but never quite reaching it.

Missing my friends abroad...

And... having my brain short out late at night. Time to end this message, I guess. Goodnight, farewell, good luck, and auf weidersehen :)

late nights, long naps

Time to get to bed, but it's been too long to put off this post.

It's back to work for Jessica; I did orientation this Wednesday and I've spent the last three days trying to get a handle on what is going on in the lab, at least, my part of the lab. I think I need to just stop looking at computer screens (wow, another good reason I should go to bed instead of writing this, yet my undying passion to blog wins out) because I think my eyes are being burned out of my skull.

Umm... what else? Life is kind of boring, but tomorrow I get a chance to get out on the lake with my aunt and uncle. And maybe next weekend, friends will come down to visit!! Actually, I don't know that, but it's an open invitation to come and enjoy all that SE MN has to offer ;)

Oh, and Patty is going to be in town tomorrow! Yay for that!!

Emily is in Croatia, Jess in Kazahkstan... it'll be kinda lonely around here...

But at least I can hang out with my mom and dad :) And Neer, Dylan, and Arun, and Josiah, of course.

And I've read more than I did the entire year in the last week... that is, reading things that I wanted to read, instead of textbooks. I'm through Deception Point and The Da Vinci Code, and I'm almost through Stiff. I almost started reading The Road Ahead by Bill Gates, only that I stopped myself and realized it was written in 1995, and that it was pretty much pointless reading about potential new developments 11 years later. And that it was really boring. I literally fell asleep trying to read the intro... although I tend to do that a lot lately. Something about staying up late and then forcing myself to sleep after work.

At least it's a three-day weekend.

no introduction needed

I'M DONE!!!!!

And that's all I have to say about that. Just kidding. Am I ever at a lack for words?

OChem final was surprisingly manageable, or so I believe. And, ahh... DPsych, the class I studied maybe 2 hours in advance for, was cake. Mmm... talking about cake... (as I gaze lovingly at the cookie pizza my sister bought me for my birthday) Honors 293 portfolio is turned in, Spanish final paper is in my prof's mailbox, and the OChem lab exam was royally rocked by my excellent chemistry laboratory capabilities :) Except for the structure of hydrobenzoin; kind of forgot about that. But the rest was a cinch.

Now I'm done. Time to start thinking about what to do with all this free time... pack? make a delicious lunch for my compadres tomorrow? sleep? Ah, or choice D... all of the above!

getting there

I can't wait for this all to be over with...

Seems like everything lately has been tainted by something. I don't know what it is. It's impatience. It's misunderstanding. Guilt, grief, other crap, spite, I don't know. No se. So I repeat myself.

May Day has come and gone with less of a flourish than I hoped... I still have 8 may baskets sitting around my computer. Remember the times when kids ran from neighbor's house to the next delivering baskets, in hopes that they could deliver all of them without getting "caught" by the kids they were delivering to? Man, this was the time of year back in the day... just getting off the sugarhigh of Easter, and then having the chance to get hyped on sweets again just a couple weeks later... It's even better than Halloween, because you know you're going to get good stuff in those baskets, whereas... you know, the lady who always gives out ShockTarts and Tootsie Rolls at Halloween? That definitely doesn't happen ;) Actually, those two aren't so bad. It's the Smarties and the Bottlecaps that get me gagging. Or the homemade-looking multicolored taffy candies that may or may not have razorblades and needles in them.

Yeah.

So, time to catch up on a little more meaningless stuff before this hectic weekend. I'll be home in 11 days, and done with finals in 8!!

don't let life pass you by

Wow. Life has been a whirlwind the last two weeks.

I just finished my last Ochem exam before the final in a week and a half... That is a relief to have done. I still have a big paper to write for my Honors Directions and Dimensions in Healthcare class... I'll be writing about women's reproductive rights and politics... and why there is such a disparity between the rights of women and the rights of men when it comes to reproductive rights, according to the state. I also have ONE MORE paper for Spanish, which shouldn't be too intense, since I've been putting in a lot of work in all my papers all throughout the semester. And, haha, Developmental Psych, but I'm not too worried at all about that. So, basically the one thing that I'll be sweating next week will be the final ACS OChem test.

So... why haven't I posted in a while? I took a day off of school and went down to Mankato Tuesday afternoon for my Grandma Hensel's funeral. What an amazing woman... she spent her entire life caring for others, loving, and being so utterly accepting of absolutely everyone. We were talking about this at her funeral: Who can truly say that they have never said a bad thing about ANYONE their entire life? I remember so clearly waking up on those Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations in her enormous farm house, going with Laura to the kitchen to peek at all the breakfast foods in the porch (mmm... her caramel rolls were to die for!), and there was Grandma, working away at making a pot-full of oatmeal for all the family.

She would just be humming away as we walked into the kitchen, smiling broadly when she turned around to see us rummaging through the pans and tins of goodies on the porch. She would ask us what we wanted for breakfast, and then after getting that ready, she would run out to the chicken coop and the garden to take care of chores. Her kitchen always smelled of warm, rich aromas mixed with the freshness of cool, washed vegetables and the smell of dew on the grass through the window over the sink. The rest of the house always smelled musty, but we all knew why that was; Catherine worked so hard in the kitchen that there was rarely a moment that she sat and rested at my grandfather's side. She lived for her family, and she lived for her husband. Most of all, though, she lived for the Lord and believed in him so much that she failed to believe that there could be a truly bad soul in the world.

My grandma Catherine Hensel 1910-2006
Caring, joyful, devoted, compassionate, beautiful, visionary, loving, humming, giving, grandma, mother, wife, sister, and great-grandma. She gave us life; she gave us the world.

sophomoritis?

Bleh, it's hard to motivate myself to do work right now.

I feel like such a rebel... I'm choosing not to do my DPsych workbook pages, because they are a huge pain in the ass, and even if I don't do the rest of the workbook assignments for the rest of the semester, it's only going to bring me down to a 95%. Honestly. NOT worth the effort.

Oooh, that about perfectly described my pissed-off attitude, as well. I need to figure out whatever is really bothering me, because I have been in a bad mood for too long and it's getting tiring.

I've posted about this once before. But it still seems to bother me: the closer one is to someone, the easier it is to be affected by the little things that person does. If they are in a crappy mood, then I'm going to be affected by it. If they don't make time for me, then I take it as they don't want to be around me. I'm hurt by the fact that they have homework, friends, and obligations just like me, but I don't see how the double standard I'm employing is unfair.

I hate being dependent on other people, especially when it comes to my own emotions.

But why is it that I get that way? Why do I take my own failures so seriously and use them against other people? It shouldn't be my friends' faults that I fill my life with so much extra stuff. It shouldn't be their fault for my inability to separate my evaluation of myself as a person from the successes or failures of my organizations, events, etc.

I just need to let it go.

And cry.

sugar beet goodness

Back to Stinky Town. Mmm mmm mmm...

Oh, it was a short break. I underestimated how serious my grandma's stroke was on Wednesday... we spent all of Saturday and Sunday morning with her in Mankato, saying goodbye... and crying... and seeing family... but more of that to come when she actually passes away, probably. It's funny. I come up here, and it's like I can separate myself from the sorrow, even though it means just as much here... I wish I could be back home right now. It's hard to concentrate on homework when you know that your grandma is slowly slipping away. But it's even worse, because I can't even feel sadness here. I feel like a stupid, emotionless boulder.

This is a dumb post.

Well, Karate Chili Feed far surpassed my expectations. I think we actually made money! And I thought we would end up in the hole... eh, it was a definite possibility... We at least made about 2 tanks-full of gas. :) Now, whose gas tank, that is the question :) Actually, probably 3 tanks for my car, but that's because it only holds about 11 gallons of gas ;)

Okay, time for hw.

Come to the J/F Talent Show this Thursday at 8:30 P.M.!!!

gimme a B...R...E...A...K!!

So, what's the big idea about treating Jessica as if she's just a block of emotionless cement?(Apologies to any cement blocks out there who do have feelings...) Honestly, I've tried as hard as I could the last few days to be resistant to the rude treatment I've been getting. But, alas, I am just a sister, not an emotional, feeling being.

It really doesn't help in making anything else better, either.

Next time you act, think about what others are going through. You're not the only one out there, and the things you do can severely hurt a person, even if it doesn't show on her face.

I'm ready for break, that's for sure.

My soul feels empty. I hate this feeling.

anti-perfect

Not exactly perfect, no, I guess that was a wrong statement.

Such is life, though.

I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely
Lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can’t
Go back to bed
It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day
Everybody knows that something’s wrong
But nobody knows what’s going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It’s shaping up to be a lonely day

Lonely Day - Phantom Planet

four-square days

Okay, so everything is infinitely better now!

I got back my grade for that OChem test I took last Tuesday, and I got a 93%!! You probably don't know how exciting that is for me, but just to give you an idea: the two previous tests I took in the class were 77% and 82%. This will help me out a lot in my quest for a B :) As long as I can keep from failing all of the in-class pop quizzes. That's necessary too.

Last night was more fun than I've had in a long time. Madelyn and I just walked around campus for awhile while Jordan skated circles around us on rollerblades. Then we had a heated game of four-square with some of the Fulton guys until, well, about 1 A.M. or so... :) And THEN... April finally got back from boozing up at the local bars with Dave and Kjerstin (tee hee it's okay, you're legal, April) so we watched Donnie Darko over at Dave's until, like, 4. And I think I remember an hour of it, maybe. I'm still tired, and my arm hurts from playing catch with a dodgeball ;) I know, I'm a wimp...

So, that's what life is like, currently. I hope the rest of the semester will be semi-stressfree, because I was definitely missing the freedom for a good 3 weeks or so.

And... Blogger's picture-upload thinger is finally working again, so... enjoy!

<-- I think April was reacting adversely to me caressing her arm... Oh, and this was us before the Honors Formal. Don't they look amazing??!

waiting for the onslaught

A lovely Saturday afternoon it is... if only I could spend it in a worthwhile way, instead of studying my butt off. Seriously, the profs have it in for me this week. Jordan and I give our DPsych presentation on Monday, then on Tuesday I have OChem exam #3 and Spanish paper #2 to turn in, and on Wednesday a DPsych test, and on Thursday, my Spanish group is presenting on Guatemala. Oh, I can't wait for Thursday afternoon for all of this to be done with. Oh yeah, and we somehow have to get a quorum to pass changes in the HPSO constitution on Thursday afternoon. So, it won't really be all over by then. Sigh.

But Friday! I think that I'm going to finally get a haircut then, to celebrate getting all this shiznit done. Yay!! And the week after this week (aka the week leading up to Easter Break) will be completely free, apart from due dates for Talent Show sign-up and a practice for the event, and working at the Math Learning Center. It'll be fantastic, I can just feel it... but until then, back to the books. Time to start writing that paper that's due in three days.

Hasta luego, mis muchachos. Aqui estan unos fotos de las semanas pasadas... :)

<-- Some troublemaking bison that liked to block the road in Yellowstone

<-- I'm trying not to slip as we walk around Mammoth Hot Springs...

<-- All dressed up for the Honors Formal!

I'd put the picture of all the girls dressed for the formal, but for some reason, Blogger is not letting it upload. Another time, perhaps.

abc is easy as...

Yes, folks, time for post 123. Not really a monumental accomplishment, but I felt like celebrating. Maybe my head just hurts from that ARH meeting. That's probably it. Oh well.

So... Honors Formal this weekend, and baking a cake for Jordan's 20th birthday on Friday (and... that's tomorrow). Oh, and meeting David's parents in Fargo for dinner tomorrow, as well.

I got this lovely text message on my phone during the Honors meeting this afternoon (Yes, Jos, you are a poophead too ;) but I did laugh when I read it).

I'm tired! Campaigning for HPSO president is fun, but it's also a little tiring. I'm looking forward to actually doing some stuff as president... but all this printing out posters about me and hanging them up everywhere thing is getting old. Fun stuff.

Okay, time to do homework. Yeah, exciting, I know.

yeah, that's right!

Ahh, how good it feels to be back...

Well, so I'm in the minority by saying that. Break was wonderful; lots of beautiful sights, amazing skiing, and a hell of a lot of driving... about 34 hours, in fact. But it was definitely worth it.

More on that later.

So, what's coming up in Jessica's life, you might ask youself? Well, not that much, at least, not right away. I really have to get some better quiz grades in OChem. Fall registration is coming up soon, so I'll have to decide on if I'm taking Neuroscience or something else along with Physics, Genetics, and Lin Algebra. I have to register for EMT classes, as well. And... oh yes, there's no forgetting this one... the Honors Formal on Saturday, which I finally have a dress for. This morning I got to run around to all the halls delivering invites to Honors residence hall students... that was a workout.

Umm... so. Life is good. And I'm going to try to stress out less, because it's ridiculous to make this life into something so unbearable, when it's really such a wonderful thing. That's all I have to say about that.

Peace out for now, my peeps.

allllrighty then

Ahhh, what a wonderful feeling!!! OChem test was this morning, and although I have no idea how well (or terribly) I did, the fact that it is over and I can focus on other things is the most amazing thing in the world...

Okay, so, it'll feel awesome for at least another 5 minutes. Then I really have to get to work on that Honors paper that's due in 20 minutes. And study for the Spanish test I have at 2... maybe there won't be that many people in the Math Learning Center, so I could study during work... :)

Well, that was fun while it lasted. I've got about 2 more days of stress, and then SPRING BREAK! I'm excited. Ski slopes, here I come.

Time to work on the paper now. The complex interplay of the government, society, and the meat packing industry, whoo!

for fun?

Okay, so this is my third attempt to write something non-boring.

My brain hurts.

I'll try this again in a day. Maybe.

evaluation time

Okay, time to figure out if I can handle all this shiz-nit.

Here's what I want for next year:

- Keep up in my classes:
Fall semester
College Physics I (4 credits)
Linear Algebra (3 credits)
Genetics + Genetics Review (5 credits?)
Physiology (4 credits)
Spring semester
College Physics II (4 credits)
Biochemistry (3 credits)
Histology + Lab (4 credits)
Honors Thesis Prospectus (1 credit)
Spanish Medical Terminology?
MCAT Review course

- Be Honors Program Student Organization President

- Be J/F Hall President

- Get my black belt by the end of next school year, plan a mini tournament for our club, do some other fun stuff... and not screw up the finances :)

I "get" to talk to the wonderful and oh-so-personable Mrs. Ruit on Tuesday, where she'll proceed to tell me that I need to get more patient contact experience, that I have to get a perfect score on the MCAT, and all the other things that she's told me a million times before. Maybe there'll be something more. Can I do it all? I guess that's why I'm going to talk to her. I'd rather get some input from you guys, though.

My Spanish paper is almost done, which takes a load off my mind. I think the worst part of a Spanish paper is just getting it started. After that, sure, it takes time, it's not easy, but at least I've got direction by then.

And now, time to do a little quimico organico. Or Organic Chemistry, for you non-Spanish speaking peeps. Hasta luego, muchachos.

barfy surprises

Life is normal again, somewhat. The Coldplay concert was excellent, but that was to be expected. Getting to know April's parents and brother was also very awesome. Forgetting to take along medicine, however... not so cool. And then starting meds again and having my body react by throwing up everything in my stomach... blehhhh... Done with that.

Today's been a catch-up day in too many ways, and there's still more to do. I have mega work in Spanish to catch up on, about four chapters in my Honors book to read, and then I need to start making sense of everything that's gone on in the last two weeks in Organic. And, of course, the thrice-weekly DPsych workbook assignments that take 1 1/2 to 2 hours to do.

On that note... I guess I have a lot to do. Maybe there'll be time for fun this weekend.

time to do laundry

Don't you hate coming back from the shower just to find out that not only are you almost out of underwear, but the only socks you have in the drawer are those ugly knee-highs? Yeah, it's one of those days. It wouldn't be so bad if doing laundry didn't cost so dang much. I could combine the towels and the dark clothes, but then the dark clothes get all linty. And if I put the towels in with the whites, then my clothes come out in a weird greenish blue tint. So, three loads it is.

Enough of that nonsense. Valentine's Day was Valentine's Day... I enjoyed it, but I kind of wish that we could celebrate it on more than just one overemphasized day. Something about getting flowers on a day besides V-day or one's birthday... that would be nice. I mean, umm, that wasn't supposed to be a hint. :) I now have excessive amounts of chocolate, which means me = getting pudgy unless friends(chocolate) = gone. So, feel free, PLEASE take some. Otherwise things could get ugly. Like my socks.

Okay, off to do laundry. Hasta martes, cuando yo volvera al concierto de Coldplay en Omaha!!

what a bother

Everything is PISSING ME OFF right now. Damn it. I want this fricking homework to be done, and I don't see any purpose in writing up two and a half pages (single-spaced, mind you) on what characteristics these babies are expressing in these certain stages of development. Stupid babies.

I didn't get the NCC position. Something about me being too old for the position, I think. (When was 19 too old for anything?? I can't even drink, and I'm considered too old. Strange, you think? Me too.) Or the fact that I had my arms crossed in the interview. (Well? I was kind of nervous!! It was better that I do that than having my leg spasm from my jitteriness.) Whatever. If they don't want me, they can't have me.

And I'm seriously not that upset, it's just a bad combination of circumstances. It usually works that way. Everything goes fine for a long time, and then all of a sudden, a whole bunch of crap happens within the span of a day. Maybe it's just lack of hormones right now. We'll blame it on that, I guess.

Time for bed. I'm actually going to go to sleep at a decent hour. But that's only because I'm giving up on this homework and just promising myself that I'll do it before 10am class tomorrow. Night, all.

don't be tricked

The weekend was good, but now I contemplate the studying that I need to do before that test Tuesday.

And, ah, what else is new... I submitted an application for UND Association of Residence Halls NCC, or National Communications Chair. We'll see if I'm good enough for it... I definitely want to do it, at least. You know, I'm so fed up with the people who go around campaigning themselves on the basis of their involvement in numerous organizations. But when you actually look at the organizations they're supposedly "immensely" involved in, you realize, "Wait, I've never even seen them involved in this..." It's so frustrating that we so often accept what is pasted in front of our eyes and forget to look at the underworkings of this world... There are so many people who build our communities, yet the only ones who are recognized are often the ones that deserve the recognition the least.

Just a thought.

I'm tired, so goodnight.