This is completely outside of my normal once-a-week blogging activity... maybe that's a bad sign... but I just can't concentrate right now. This will at least keep me in my room, instead of walking around and starting conversations that will last two hours or more... not that that's a bad thing either, it's just that I've been getting to bed really late because of it, and not getting enough studying in. College would be better without classes. True that.
Talking about things that would be better... life has been better as of the last dozen or so hours. We decided to move the talent show back to next semester, which takes a huge load off my shoulders for the next couple days. Karate belt test was moved back to next Saturday, so I've got more time to order belts for everyone... although I really need to get on that soon. Group work for Anatomy is now due in a week instead of this Thursday. And the Future of Honors discussion went really well (at least, that was my impression)! Yeah, life is better.
But why is my head still whirling with endless thoughts? I guess school isn't everything that's on my mind.
Still listening to "The General"... I wish someone would tell me that I could get away from it all, just walk away, that I wasn't being held to others' (haha, or my own) expectations... sometimes we just need to be forgiven. It's hard enough to forgive yourself, though.
And boys are trouble.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
like a child
So Thanksgiving has come and gone. My head hurts from studying OChem three days straight, and then getting stuck in near-death driving conditions on the 8 (normally 6) hour ride back... Why did I come back? Oh yeah, class... bleh. I could barely stay awake in my classes... I tell you, I could have sworn that we were going to have our first snow day in about 7 years today, but the snow wasn't falling hard enough, I guess. Wind speed was about 40 mph, but I guess that doesn't matter D:
It was definitely good to be back, enjoying the Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast, shoveling with my papa, watching my parents and aunt and uncle get tipsy on wine at Thanksgiving ;), hanging out with Emily, spending way too much on shopping, having Grandma Kaye ask me every five minutes what I would want for Christmas, seeing people at church... The sermon was really great. It was one of those moments that you don't really look for God to speak to you, but somehow He really gets through... It was a comparison between how our parents wait for us to come back from college... they'll go on with their everyday stuff, but every once in awhile, they'll ask each other, "Hey, I wonder what Jessica's doing right now..." (pause) And, honestly, I almost started crying right there. It's sometimes just really hard to believe that God can care about every person in the world as much as two amazing parents care about their two daughters... I've been realizing it more as life goes on that my parents are the best I could have ever wished for. We really don't realize how freaking hard it must be to simply be "a parent." I'm concerned even now, thinking about how I could ever raise a child, especially in such a place that this world is becoming...
With crap television like Laguna Beach and My Super Sweet Sixteen, tween t-shirts emblazoned with "Princess," "Bow Down To Me," "Diva," or other ridiculously vain and unwarranted saying, it's no wonder that kids are starting to expect such things as a NEW car on their sixteenth, an iPod for A's in sixth grade math, expensive sneakers so they can impress their friends.... and they think that they "deserve" it. Who deserves jack crap in this world? Can they NOT see that about 80% of the world cannot even afford the meal that they get handed to them every day? Can they not understand that getting ANY sort of car at all is a big deal?? I got a '94 Cavalier for my high school days, and I went without a car my first year of college. And you know what, I feel totally privileged, and I probably don't deserve the Corolla I have right now. So why should kids who haven't even passed their driver's permit tests be given brand new Mercedes?? It would be interesting to figure out how many years someone in Honduras would have to work to get the same quality of life that we would spend on one year of living... Sometimes this world makes me sick. And then you see people trampling others on the dawn of the day after Thanksgiving; under the disguise of getting "gifts" for family and friends, they cut off cars on their way into the super malls, grab as many of whatever cheap crap is on sale as they can, and budge into line without a care for anyone else... Whoever came up with the idea that we should celebrate our thanks for what we have by buying shit loads of more crap that we don't need is utterly sick in the head... and probably a dirty pirate hooker...
there was a decorated general with
a heart of gold, that likened him to
all the stories he told
of past battles, won and lost,
and legends of old a seasoned veteran in
his own time
on the battlefield, he gained
respectable fame with many medals
of bravery and stripes to his name
he grew a beard as soon as he could
to cover the scars on his face
and always urged his men on
but on the eve of a great battle
with the infantry in dream
the old general tossed in his sleep
and wrestled with its meaning
he awoke from the night
to tell what he had seen
and walked slowly out of his tent
all the men held tall with their
chests in the air, with courage in
their blood and a fire in their stare
it was a gray morning and they all
wondered how they would fare
till the old general told them to go home
He said
I have seen the others
and I have discovered
that this fight is not worth fighting
and I've seen their mothers
and I will no other
to follow me where I'm going
So, take a shower and shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
take a shower and shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
go now you are forgiven
but the men stood fast with their
guns on their shoulders not knowing
what to do with the contradicting orders
the general said he would do his own
duty but he would extend it no further
the men could go as they pleased
not a man moved, their eyes gazed
straight ahead till one by one they
stepped back and not a word was said
and the old general was left with his
own words echoing in his head
he then prepared to fight
"The General" Dispatch
It was definitely good to be back, enjoying the Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast, shoveling with my papa, watching my parents and aunt and uncle get tipsy on wine at Thanksgiving ;), hanging out with Emily, spending way too much on shopping, having Grandma Kaye ask me every five minutes what I would want for Christmas, seeing people at church... The sermon was really great. It was one of those moments that you don't really look for God to speak to you, but somehow He really gets through... It was a comparison between how our parents wait for us to come back from college... they'll go on with their everyday stuff, but every once in awhile, they'll ask each other, "Hey, I wonder what Jessica's doing right now..." (pause) And, honestly, I almost started crying right there. It's sometimes just really hard to believe that God can care about every person in the world as much as two amazing parents care about their two daughters... I've been realizing it more as life goes on that my parents are the best I could have ever wished for. We really don't realize how freaking hard it must be to simply be "a parent." I'm concerned even now, thinking about how I could ever raise a child, especially in such a place that this world is becoming...
With crap television like Laguna Beach and My Super Sweet Sixteen, tween t-shirts emblazoned with "Princess," "Bow Down To Me," "Diva," or other ridiculously vain and unwarranted saying, it's no wonder that kids are starting to expect such things as a NEW car on their sixteenth, an iPod for A's in sixth grade math, expensive sneakers so they can impress their friends.... and they think that they "deserve" it. Who deserves jack crap in this world? Can they NOT see that about 80% of the world cannot even afford the meal that they get handed to them every day? Can they not understand that getting ANY sort of car at all is a big deal?? I got a '94 Cavalier for my high school days, and I went without a car my first year of college. And you know what, I feel totally privileged, and I probably don't deserve the Corolla I have right now. So why should kids who haven't even passed their driver's permit tests be given brand new Mercedes?? It would be interesting to figure out how many years someone in Honduras would have to work to get the same quality of life that we would spend on one year of living... Sometimes this world makes me sick. And then you see people trampling others on the dawn of the day after Thanksgiving; under the disguise of getting "gifts" for family and friends, they cut off cars on their way into the super malls, grab as many of whatever cheap crap is on sale as they can, and budge into line without a care for anyone else... Whoever came up with the idea that we should celebrate our thanks for what we have by buying shit loads of more crap that we don't need is utterly sick in the head... and probably a dirty pirate hooker...
there was a decorated general with
a heart of gold, that likened him to
all the stories he told
of past battles, won and lost,
and legends of old a seasoned veteran in
his own time
on the battlefield, he gained
respectable fame with many medals
of bravery and stripes to his name
he grew a beard as soon as he could
to cover the scars on his face
and always urged his men on
but on the eve of a great battle
with the infantry in dream
the old general tossed in his sleep
and wrestled with its meaning
he awoke from the night
to tell what he had seen
and walked slowly out of his tent
all the men held tall with their
chests in the air, with courage in
their blood and a fire in their stare
it was a gray morning and they all
wondered how they would fare
till the old general told them to go home
He said
I have seen the others
and I have discovered
that this fight is not worth fighting
and I've seen their mothers
and I will no other
to follow me where I'm going
So, take a shower and shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
take a shower and shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
go now you are forgiven
but the men stood fast with their
guns on their shoulders not knowing
what to do with the contradicting orders
the general said he would do his own
duty but he would extend it no further
the men could go as they pleased
not a man moved, their eyes gazed
straight ahead till one by one they
stepped back and not a word was said
and the old general was left with his
own words echoing in his head
he then prepared to fight
"The General" Dispatch
Friday, November 25, 2005
the dark side of break
Thanksgiving break is wonderful, don't get me wrong. It's just that every time I've tried to fall asleep in my own bed, I keep getting these awful nightmares. It's like now that I actually have a chance to look at all my academic worries from the semester without trying to remember everything extracurricular that I have going on, my brain is relishing every contortion of how I could fail my classes this semester (yeah, I think that was a run-on sentence, but I don't really care. Read it again if you don't understand). Last night I don't know how many nightmares I had on forgetting assignments, big projects, tests, etc...
Then again, I've had nightmares at home since I started sleeping in that room about 12 years ago! I still remember waking up when I was a kid and running up to my sister's and mom and dad's room, just so I would know that they weren't being murdered by some serial killer. I just always had this impression as a kid that if something happened to me, they wouldn't know that anything was happening til it was too late. Carbon monoxide poisoning was frequently in my nightmares... I also had nightmares that a witch lived under my room and could pull me down into her lair by lowering my bed...
Anyways, now that you know that I'm schizophrenic :) It's snowing outside! And food yesterday was AWESOME... my auntie Sue made a cross between pumpkin and pecan pie that was absolutely delicious, Jimmy made his excellent bread, I peeled some potatoes (haha, that was my contribution), my mom made some superb cherry-and-golden-raisin stuffing and gravy, dad brined and cooked the turkey rotisserie-style over the grill... yum...
So I definitely did some Pilates today :) I think I'll start doing that, because I am such a noodle right now. I need to get stronger (so I can throw more guys over my back in karate, haha). Time for a shower, but maybe more later... after I get some OChem studying in, which will perhaps appease these nightmare demons in my mind...
Then again, I've had nightmares at home since I started sleeping in that room about 12 years ago! I still remember waking up when I was a kid and running up to my sister's and mom and dad's room, just so I would know that they weren't being murdered by some serial killer. I just always had this impression as a kid that if something happened to me, they wouldn't know that anything was happening til it was too late. Carbon monoxide poisoning was frequently in my nightmares... I also had nightmares that a witch lived under my room and could pull me down into her lair by lowering my bed...
Anyways, now that you know that I'm schizophrenic :) It's snowing outside! And food yesterday was AWESOME... my auntie Sue made a cross between pumpkin and pecan pie that was absolutely delicious, Jimmy made his excellent bread, I peeled some potatoes (haha, that was my contribution), my mom made some superb cherry-and-golden-raisin stuffing and gravy, dad brined and cooked the turkey rotisserie-style over the grill... yum...
So I definitely did some Pilates today :) I think I'll start doing that, because I am such a noodle right now. I need to get stronger (so I can throw more guys over my back in karate, haha). Time for a shower, but maybe more later... after I get some OChem studying in, which will perhaps appease these nightmare demons in my mind...
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
giving thanks
It will be good to be home... it's just hard to think that I'll be driving 6 hours there only to drive 6 more hours a few days later to get back. Plus, after Thanksgiving, it's basically a rat race of studying, events, and other crap. Discussion on the Future of Honors is Tuesday, Anatomy group work is due Thursday (as is the JFS Talent Show), Anatomy extra credit project is due Friday, Saturday is the Karate Formal (which I'll have to sell tickets for on both Wednesday and Friday), and Sunday is the Johnstone/Fulton/Smith/Swanson Dodgeball Tourney... God help me. So, I really should get some studying done over Thanksgiving, as sad as that sounds.
What else... SmartEnforcer is fed up with my lack of an anti-virus system. It's tried to keep me off the system two different times, and I was actually in the process of trying to renew over the phone just awhile ago, but thankfully I got tired of the on-hold music and succeeded at logging in (after about 8 tries or so).
Well, I should go to karate tonight, since I haven't done that in awhile. Maybe I can get my pent-up aggressions out on the punching bag after self-defense.
Good things about going home:
- Canned cranberry sauce
- Good homemade food
- Mom, Dad, and other family
- rest
- No extra homework, besides the stuff I already have
Bad things:
- Hella-long drive
- the price of gas
- Realizing there is such a thing as good food and the resulting dread of going back to eat at the dining centers on Monday
- most likely not getting the chance to get much work done at all
- etc.
What else... SmartEnforcer is fed up with my lack of an anti-virus system. It's tried to keep me off the system two different times, and I was actually in the process of trying to renew over the phone just awhile ago, but thankfully I got tired of the on-hold music and succeeded at logging in (after about 8 tries or so).
Well, I should go to karate tonight, since I haven't done that in awhile. Maybe I can get my pent-up aggressions out on the punching bag after self-defense.
Good things about going home:
- Canned cranberry sauce
- Good homemade food
- Mom, Dad, and other family
- rest
- No extra homework, besides the stuff I already have
Bad things:
- Hella-long drive
- the price of gas
- Realizing there is such a thing as good food and the resulting dread of going back to eat at the dining centers on Monday
- most likely not getting the chance to get much work done at all
- etc.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
informally yours
Thank you for the advice, everyone. I'm going to try to be less hard on myself... but it's kind of hard, especially realizing that I only have a couple more weeks until finals (?!!?! yeah, just typing that out made me freak out a little).
Last night was the Honors Formal, and it was most definitely the most fun I've ever had at any dance... I'm stealing April's words a little here, but it seems that as you get older, you lose those thoughts of "What if people are watching me and judging me based on how I'm dancing??" and just learn to not care. So, basically, that's what I did ;) I'm not the best dancer, but at least I can accept it and move on... and it's a good thing I had some pretty awesome dance partners *wink*
Sadly, the only thing I have pictures from is the truck stop we went to after the dance... and, well, they aren't the kind of pictures that can be appreciated by a mass group of people. More pics to come from the dance... :)
Tonight will be hall gov, studying for that dang DiffEQ test that will be tomorrow, and other poop.
Last night was the Honors Formal, and it was most definitely the most fun I've ever had at any dance... I'm stealing April's words a little here, but it seems that as you get older, you lose those thoughts of "What if people are watching me and judging me based on how I'm dancing??" and just learn to not care. So, basically, that's what I did ;) I'm not the best dancer, but at least I can accept it and move on... and it's a good thing I had some pretty awesome dance partners *wink*
Sadly, the only thing I have pictures from is the truck stop we went to after the dance... and, well, they aren't the kind of pictures that can be appreciated by a mass group of people. More pics to come from the dance... :)
Tonight will be hall gov, studying for that dang DiffEQ test that will be tomorrow, and other poop.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
when the balance breaks
So, maybe Emily's life and mine are somewhat mirrors in a way... sometimes inverted, but whatever happens is always related... Umm, so I better just say it. I flat out failed my first college test. 55% for my second Spanish Comp exam. It's not like it was a slack test, and I studied really hard for it, too. It was one of those cases that I thought I knew the stuff, but missed an integral part, like accounting for multiplicity of indirect objects in verb conjugation. A wide variety of four-letter have passed through my lips, but I'm going to censor them for now. Of course, it's not only that. Whenever something goes bad, I have to reflect on all the other areas of life that I'm failing at. Like still being behind in my classes. Or having too much to think about in terms of karate, hall gov, NRHH, APO, and that damn karate formal that has been eating away my brain (that, in a couple weeks, I'll be making all of you go to... it's not like it's not going to be fun for you, I promise that, it's just that it's hell trying to organize it). Decided to drop EL, going to Golden Key mtgs (not that I ever started that), and NSCS.
Sorry for my profanity, but in general, I keep this blog pretty clean. Right now I have no where to go and scream. This is my opportunity.
Here's a song that's been somehow stuck in my head...
son's gonna rise in a mile
in a mile you'll be feelin fine
in a mile you'll see
after me
you'll be out of the dark
you'll get your shot
- Citizen Cope
Sorry for my profanity, but in general, I keep this blog pretty clean. Right now I have no where to go and scream. This is my opportunity.
Here's a song that's been somehow stuck in my head...
son's gonna rise in a mile
in a mile you'll be feelin fine
in a mile you'll see
after me
you'll be out of the dark
you'll get your shot
- Citizen Cope
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
thirteen degrees
Sounds like a good name for a band, eh? No... not really... that's actually what the temperature was outside in Grand Forks today, sadly. Not to mention the windchill. Brrr...
Honors Formal this weekend! I may be a little over-excited for it, but it's going to be a blast. C'mon, spinach dip, cheese and fruit, and chocolate-covered strawberries for hors' deuvres? Yeah, totally sweet. Maybe even orgasmic. But I'm not going to say it.
Check Facebook tomorrow (Thursday) for a beautiful ad for the Formal made by yours truly. I'll consider it my $13 donation to the Honors Program... or it would be anyways, because we are still trying to get reimbursements for the halloween party.
Tomorrow is going to be... stressful, to say the least. At 7:50am, I have to set up for BST (Building Service Technician, aka janitor) Appreciation brunch, then Anatomy at 9:30... go to the first half hour of Spanish, then run off to deliver cookies to the BST breakrooms, work from 3-4pm, at 7pm there's an NRHH meeting, Ballroom dance lessons in the J/F Lounge at 8pm, and then Moonlight Pizza at the Dining Centers starting at 10! Yeah, and certain people are copping out on dancing because they have a whole "four classes" ;) Nah, I know that I ask for this much involvement. I'm not complaining.
So, life is busy, but incredibly fulfilling at the same time. It's good. And I've really been enjoying the early morning weekends... I've started realizing how much time I waste on weekends if I end up sleeping in until breakfast. Yay for morning math. And I'm almost caught up! Sweet.
Okay, time to stop this nonsense. More later.
Honors Formal this weekend! I may be a little over-excited for it, but it's going to be a blast. C'mon, spinach dip, cheese and fruit, and chocolate-covered strawberries for hors' deuvres? Yeah, totally sweet. Maybe even orgasmic. But I'm not going to say it.
Check Facebook tomorrow (Thursday) for a beautiful ad for the Formal made by yours truly. I'll consider it my $13 donation to the Honors Program... or it would be anyways, because we are still trying to get reimbursements for the halloween party.
Tomorrow is going to be... stressful, to say the least. At 7:50am, I have to set up for BST (Building Service Technician, aka janitor) Appreciation brunch, then Anatomy at 9:30... go to the first half hour of Spanish, then run off to deliver cookies to the BST breakrooms, work from 3-4pm, at 7pm there's an NRHH meeting, Ballroom dance lessons in the J/F Lounge at 8pm, and then Moonlight Pizza at the Dining Centers starting at 10! Yeah, and certain people are copping out on dancing because they have a whole "four classes" ;) Nah, I know that I ask for this much involvement. I'm not complaining.
So, life is busy, but incredibly fulfilling at the same time. It's good. And I've really been enjoying the early morning weekends... I've started realizing how much time I waste on weekends if I end up sleeping in until breakfast. Yay for morning math. And I'm almost caught up! Sweet.
Okay, time to stop this nonsense. More later.
Friday, November 11, 2005
lost in translation
Too many languages. Whenever I go between my OChem, Anatomy, and Spanish classes, it's like I have to switch my brain to translate everything differently... not to mention what happens when I start work at the MLC on Fridays... aahhh!! Well, I didn't work today, so my brain isn't in too much pain right now. Yay for that.
Tonight we're celebrating Russell-kins birthday... maybe a cake will be made. And games involving ping pong balls?? Well, I don't know what that could possibly be.
Things new:
- 0.7 days worth of music in my iTunes
- Knowing what classes I'm taking next semester
- ...yet utter confusion in every other area of my life
- A hole in the Smith basement wall, owing to the amazing ideas of Smith hall gov ;)
- No JFS Dodgeball tourney, since not enough people signed up
- Having any homework done at all in DiffEq (and almost half of it done, at that)
- MACURH pictures
- resolved friendships, new friendships, disturbing dreams about past relationships
- hair color (as of a couple weekends ago, I just never posted about it)
"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." Ben Stein
Tonight we're celebrating Russell-kins birthday... maybe a cake will be made. And games involving ping pong balls?? Well, I don't know what that could possibly be.
Things new:
- 0.7 days worth of music in my iTunes
- Knowing what classes I'm taking next semester
- ...yet utter confusion in every other area of my life
- A hole in the Smith basement wall, owing to the amazing ideas of Smith hall gov ;)
- No JFS Dodgeball tourney, since not enough people signed up
- Having any homework done at all in DiffEq (and almost half of it done, at that)
- MACURH pictures
- resolved friendships, new friendships, disturbing dreams about past relationships
- hair color (as of a couple weekends ago, I just never posted about it)
"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." Ben Stein
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
brain owie
I'm too tired to post right now. My brain hurts from studying for 5 1/2 hours... my hand hurts from writing 6 chapters' worth of anatomy notes... and I can't really think of anything else to complain about. I had a wonderful shower, so that's a good thing. And I have a razor now, thanks to my wonderful roomie :) Umm...
Yep, that's all for now. Maybe after my test tomorrow, I'll have a clear enough mind to talk about last weekend's awesomeness.
Yep, that's all for now. Maybe after my test tomorrow, I'll have a clear enough mind to talk about last weekend's awesomeness.
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