here, now, finally

Nothing too much to report today... I'll be taking my first OChem II test in exactly a week, which is kind of scary. I still don't understand anything in my Spanish workbook, but that's not anything new. I'm getting headaches from working in the Math Learning Center for prolonged periods of time, as it's hard enough for me to remember stuff we did last semester in DiffEQ, much less the stuff I did years ago in Calculus, or the stuff that the College Alg kids are working on now. I haven't been getting enough sleep, but that's my own fault. I got my last school book in the mail today, which makes me happy.

Come to think of it... there's a lot I'm happy about...

New favorite music:
Kings of Convenience - Mom and Dad, check it out... think Simon and Garfunkel, revamped... plus, one of the guys looks like Dad when he was groovin' back in the 70's ;)
Sondre Lerche

Not-so-new, but still favorites:
Aqualung
Better Than Ezra
Duncan Sheik

hollow

Nothing fits today. My personality, friends, thoughts, mood... nothing at all. Not even the music, which I've come to depend on so deeply throughout these college times. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think to say... I just feel kind of empty, I guess.

I should be doing homework. I could be sending out e-mails to get a job this summer. I have to go to karate in a couple of hours, or I'll be disappointed in myself. I need to snap out of this mood.

Down came the sky
And all you did was blink
I would cry like I never do
In order to stay true
But everybody has their own opinion on such
They're all much alike alike alike
One hundred of a million is worth penning dead down
So why am I writing to the moon?

current music: Sondre Lerche - Track You Down

chill out

Time has been going by way too fast as of late.

I wish I could find a way to slow it down... but...

Truth be told, I haven't been helping it much.

I don't feel like saying more.

is there a God?
why is he waiting?
don't you think of it odd
when he knows my address?
and look at the stars
don't it remind you just how feeble we are?
...well it used to, I guess

'cause ever since I tried
trying not to find
every little meaning in my life
it's been fine
i've been cool
with my new golden rule

New Deep - John Mayer

foot-in-mouth disease

Some days I need to remind myself to just shut my mouth and refrain from saying the things that run through my mind. I was in the crabbiest mood for some reason at breakfast today. I don't know what the deal is. Most days I can totally control myself. I can go a whole day enduring petty criticisms, and then on a day where I have absolutely nothing to complain about, I flip and do something that hurts my best friends' feelings.

Honestly, there's nothing for me to bitch about. It's a Saturday morning, maybe the food isn't that great, but the sun is shining, my hair is clean, I don't have that much homework for the weekend, and last night was great (although we stayed up until 3:30...). I had all this going for me, but when I was criticized at breakfast, I reverted back to animal instincts of fight or flight... HONESTLY! What the hell is wrong with me?? Diarrhea of the mouth strikes again. Too bad I don't have Tourette's to blame it on. J/K.

We'll see how this day turns out...

welcome to existence

I don't know how to start this one. A lot has happened the last couple days (and a lot hasn't happened... in other areas) so I'm not sure where I am right now. I don't know what I'm looking for.

All I know is that I'm ready for the weekend.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

Dare you to move
Dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
Dare you to move
Dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Dare you to move - Switchfoot

surprise

I woke up this morning to amazing rays of sunshine streaming through my window... and I recognized that this day is the start of something new in my life. A new age, a revitalized period, I don't know what to call it, but it's new, and I like it.

Have you ever been so changed by a single thing that you begin to evaluate aspects of your own life from that new perspective?

Read "Fountainhead," and if it doesn't change your life, then my entire theory will be ruined, and it must just have affected me because I'm weak-minded. But I don't think that's the case.

However, I don't think my previous statement was founded entirely by reading "Fountainhead." And, here I go...

What kind of person would I be had I not decided out of the blue to attend Friedell my sixth grade year of middle school? This decision put me into a totally new environment for the beginning of my middle school experience. What if I would have stuck with the status-quo decision of going straight to Kellogg? What friends would I have made, would Danny have seen me as the same "intriguing new girl" if I would have been there in 6th instead of coming in 7th grade, would my friends have been different if I started off with the group I knew from elementary school? Here's only one decision I made in my life, and not even a very important one (at least, so it seemed at the time).

What about when I decided to go to this college?

What if Dave and Ryan hadn't gotten stuck in a snow bank last night, and I didn't ride back with them to campus...?

Hmm... we'll see.

you can dance (if you want to)

Ahh, the joys of being ridiculous... and having the free time to enjoy it...

I sit here, watching Russian ice skating as it nears midnight. It was a productive day, though... four hours of tutoring, shopping for groceries and sticky tape at Target, and dancing with April and Madelyn while we decided on a playlist for tomorrow's par-tay... so, maybe that half a box of nilla wafers was needed, after all that exertion ;) A girl can dream... But as April reminds me, women need that fat layer around their hips for baby-stuff... not that I'm planning to be ready for that any time in the next 8-20 years (hahahah... wonderful).

Nothing really important to share yet. Three of my four profs are women, which is pretty awesome. I still can't find my bike. That's not so awesome. Umm... and I'm tired. And I eat too much. Maybe I shouldn't have bought groceries... blehhhghghgh...

Something more interesting to come, I promise.

spring into the semester

Back in Grand Forks, and oh, it smells even more awful than how I remembered it :) Regardless... it's good to be back.

I should be sleeping.

BTW, I'm probably going to be the first one awake in my entire building tomorrow, as I have to go to Math Learning Center training at 9am. Blahhh.

Okay, pitiful post, but here I go to get ready for bed.

compulsion

I need to stop checking facebook every hour. Seriously. I'm beginning to scare even myself.

Bored, bored bored bored bored. And I'm getting a headache. Complain, complain complain complain.

This post is really going nowhere.

I'm getting the feeling that maybe I should stop meeting people. No, I guess not that. But that I should stop getting close to people. It seems that every time I meet someone that I actually connect with, I lose a part of myself. Hear me out.

Throughout this year, I've met a lot of awesome people. And it's amazing getting to know them. But then you go away on vacation, or you don't see them in awhile, and you start to miss them. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate the friends that make time for me. It's just that every friend I've lost touch with is a reminder of a part of my life wasted... and still, that's not a good way to put it. I'd be fine with missing them, as it's a perfectly normal emotion. I just need to learn to appreciate boredom... being by myself... and enjoying it all without going utterly insane.

heartbreaker

May this post be a tribute to the lost, the lonely, and the disillusioned. Amen.

I have not been a very great person the last... well, year and-a-half or so. I've set my priorities on becoming well-liked instead of truly liking myself. I've mistakenly convinced people that I am what they need in life, and then upon finding that out, tried to scare them away so I wouldn't have that responsibility. I pretend to be charming, and when I know that someone likes me back, I either toy with that power or get scared and avoid them.

Boys aren't the trouble. I am. And if I could just find out where I go wrong, maybe life wouldn't suck. So far that's been a failed venture, though.

What do I want out of the opposite sex? Friendship? Yes. Knowing that they care about me? That's probably true. But when that feeling becomes intermingled with the knowledge that this could turn into a relationship that I'm not ready for, everything becomes tainted.

Time to watch Labyrinth with David Bowie and Muppets. And to think about what my life is becoming.

new something

I should be sleeping or maybe even cleaning up my house after all this new year's partying. Instead, I'm kept awake by the fact that I haven't updated this thing in a few days. I shouldn't even care, but I still do it, for my own sake. I feel as if I'm letting part of me slip away, and if I don't sit back and look at what I've been doing, maybe I'll lose it forever.

A large part of it is that it's getting to be that time of break where I just want to head back and start the next semester, no matter how boring Grand Forks is. It's not like I don't enjoy being home. I just want to get going on something that actually matters, like studying, getting back to tutoring, setting up programs for res hall stuff... The more time I spend sitting here, the more I go on facebook and wonder why everyone else isn't as bored as I am. That's tough. Please, just tape a big "L" to my head and make me go to sleep.

I drove one of my good friends to a party after my own got done, so now I sit here, knowing full well he's getting drunk somewhere else. Should I feel left out? Should I want to be included in all this partying? The truth is, it's just not appealing to me any more. Maybe I'm just tired, but I'd be perfectly happy reading the rest of Fountainhead instead of going off to some party. Which is maybe what I'll do for the next hour or so... Or maybe I should just go to bed.

I'm so tired of trying to be correct.

May the New Year bring realization instead of hangovers and headaches, and personal revitalization in a time of drab crappiness. Happy 2006.