heartbreaker

May this post be a tribute to the lost, the lonely, and the disillusioned. Amen.

I have not been a very great person the last... well, year and-a-half or so. I've set my priorities on becoming well-liked instead of truly liking myself. I've mistakenly convinced people that I am what they need in life, and then upon finding that out, tried to scare them away so I wouldn't have that responsibility. I pretend to be charming, and when I know that someone likes me back, I either toy with that power or get scared and avoid them.

Boys aren't the trouble. I am. And if I could just find out where I go wrong, maybe life wouldn't suck. So far that's been a failed venture, though.

What do I want out of the opposite sex? Friendship? Yes. Knowing that they care about me? That's probably true. But when that feeling becomes intermingled with the knowledge that this could turn into a relationship that I'm not ready for, everything becomes tainted.

Time to watch Labyrinth with David Bowie and Muppets. And to think about what my life is becoming.

new something

I should be sleeping or maybe even cleaning up my house after all this new year's partying. Instead, I'm kept awake by the fact that I haven't updated this thing in a few days. I shouldn't even care, but I still do it, for my own sake. I feel as if I'm letting part of me slip away, and if I don't sit back and look at what I've been doing, maybe I'll lose it forever.

A large part of it is that it's getting to be that time of break where I just want to head back and start the next semester, no matter how boring Grand Forks is. It's not like I don't enjoy being home. I just want to get going on something that actually matters, like studying, getting back to tutoring, setting up programs for res hall stuff... The more time I spend sitting here, the more I go on facebook and wonder why everyone else isn't as bored as I am. That's tough. Please, just tape a big "L" to my head and make me go to sleep.

I drove one of my good friends to a party after my own got done, so now I sit here, knowing full well he's getting drunk somewhere else. Should I feel left out? Should I want to be included in all this partying? The truth is, it's just not appealing to me any more. Maybe I'm just tired, but I'd be perfectly happy reading the rest of Fountainhead instead of going off to some party. Which is maybe what I'll do for the next hour or so... Or maybe I should just go to bed.

I'm so tired of trying to be correct.

May the New Year bring realization instead of hangovers and headaches, and personal revitalization in a time of drab crappiness. Happy 2006.

cure for boredom...

Ahhh, back to work. I woke up late today, so thank goodness I'm just volunteering still. Honestly, what is wrong with me?? I got a good amount of sleep this weekend (kind of), and all throughout yesterday, I took about three naps. And then I get about 8 hours of sleep last night, and I'm still tired today!!

I know, why don't you complain some more, Jessica. Well, psh, I'm done.

Maybe I just need to go dancing.

Well, how about running, for now. Dancing Wednesday. And... shopping probably, too :)

Everyone should ask Emily why she has a bump on her head ;)

pins and needles

My foot is numb... whenever I bump it against the desk, it feels so strange. It's like million nerves sparking to life across all of my toes, even though I'm only bumping my little toe. It's ironic... we spend millions of dollars inventing new devices and take pride in our own design achievements... but in reality, the workings of the human body are infinitely more intricate and mysterious. Small thought of the day.

I'm going to try to keep my post away from boys today... although I already sort of defeated my attempt by mentioning that. Sigh.

Tis the celebrated eve of Jesus's birth. There are other things I could say about that, but maybe I'll have time for philosophising later. We'll see.

I'm tired from staying up until 3:30am... Good fondue party, though :) More on that later.

resolution

Today is one of those days that just makes you happy that you've given it a chance to happen. I found out my grades on Campus Connection, and an even split between A's and B's is something that I wasn't expecting to happen... very satisfied, to say the least. If you would've asked me last year if I would be satisfied with those grades, you would have gotten a much different story. Then again, I had no idea what sophomore year would be like... A B in OChem! And an A in Differential Equations?? Yay for surprises.

Work has also been pretty difficult, but today was fun. We cleaned out the mini-pharmacy in back, and then at about 10:15, five guys and a whole family came in. I failed miserably at taking blood pressures, but I'm getting better at the other vital stuff. If only my Spanish would kick in!! It will come eventually, I guess, but it's so hard to be at loss for words when you're trying to communicate to a patient.

This song seems to apply right now, since it's REALLY warm out today, among other factors that qualify the significance of it all.

And then last night i had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where concerns about the world getting warmer
The people thought they were just being rewarded

For treating others as they like to be treated
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases
For mailing letters with the address of the sender

Now we can swim any day in november

100

Started work at the Migrant Health Clinic today, and it was absolutely incredible. We'll see how I feel about it a week from now ;) but for now, I'm totally psyched to be going back tomorrow morning. More on that later, I guess, as I'd rather talk about something else.

Here I am, 99 posts from where this all began some 15 months ago. What is so important about a number, a collection of lines written on a page to record some quantity, some significance that may have been lost so many times before, like the repeating of a Telephone conversation down a line of unattentive, reckless, dangerously ignorant children. What does it all matter? It's a number. Just a facade of something, really. What does it matter, when I say the number 100? I could be talking about the number of schoolchildren killed when a Nigerian jetliner crashed Saturday night (Dec. 10) during a lightning storm. Or the number of people (many children, as well) that drowned after a ferry capsized near Dhaka, Bangladesh in spring 2003. Or I could be talking about the amount of money it would take to buy a salt and pepper set I saw at a store in the Galleria today. Or the number of loaves of bread and jugs of water that exact amount would buy a village in Sierra Leone.

Ridiculous, this thing called vanity. Why should I be priding myself on having written 100 of these meaningless things, when I could have donated what it takes to provide this internet connection, this laptop, this excessive comfort of which we are so accustomed. I sit here crying, not because I am feeling the horror and pain in which others live day to day, nor that I understand what the hungry, homeless and unsheltered go through. The greatest affliction is in knowing that some continue to overconsume and continue to expect that the world will keep providing for them the way in which they have been taught that they "deserve." This is the greatest threat to civilization: ungratefulness.

Of those that have been given great things, great things will be expected. So get ready.

relief is spelled H-O-M-E

So, back again. I've been out and about with friends for two nights before I thought to update this thing; I don't know what the matter's with me. I woke up at 7:30 for 8:30 church service today. Then after lunch, I proceeded to take a two hour nap.... ohhh, it was beautiful. Cooking, sleeping, watching TV and movies, wasting time on Facebook...........

Thank goodness I still have to go out and get presents for family and friends, so I won't be too bored out of my mind. And... for any of you interested in celebrating Christmas cheer with some friends on Friday, we should have a fondue party! Cheesy Christmas sweaters, bread and cheese, chocolate plus any fruit/cookie imaginable/palatable... more on this later.

What has everyone else been doing? April?? Do you still exist? Madelyn, have you been having fun selling women's panties to transvestites? Well, I guess anyone that's reading this right now probably is bored out of his/her mind and has nothing interesting to share (haha, just kidding...) But seriously. (That was for Jordan, although he never reads this (; )

the sarcolemma of it all

Now that OChem is over I can worry about other things... like Anatomy! And updating my blog! And DiffEQ after I take my Anatomy final tomorrow! Oh, my heart just can't take the anticipation any more.

On to more studying, but here's one final thought...

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Collide - Howie Day

ekk...

Okay, I'm ready to step outside the molecular world for now. Organic lab final tomorrow, and then Organic lecture final on Wednesday. My brain hurts. I've been reviewing pages and pages of just reactions for the past two hours. Now I should actually start doing the tests, since they always end up being a hell of a lot more difficult than the homework.

Here I go...

reflections on religion

I've always considered myself a Christian person. Up until this last year, I prayed before bed almost every night of my life. I started helping out with Sunday School when I was a freshman in high school, helping the pre-schoolers and kindergarteners with art projects, reading books, and helping them learn more about Jesus. When I was a junior, I helped out one of the adults at our church every week with the second and third graders. The next year, I taught fifth-graders with my little sis (oh man, what a crazy bunch!!)...

So, why is it that I feel contantly driven away from faith? Every time I see people dressed in long dresses or suits with flyers, I walk the other way in fear that they're going to stare at me in disgust as I refuse their offers for salvation and God's glory.

Maybe it also has to do with the fact that the Newman Center on campus is constantly pushing their events and beliefs into the souls of students.

It just makes me sad that the more I am surrounded by religion up here, the less I appreciate God's influence in my life. God doesn't live in these organizations for me. All that FOCUS, CRU, and every other flyer-pushing organization on campus represent to me is that everyone has an agenda and that no one takes the time to learn about what YOU're all about.

I don't really need anyone to tell me how wonderful God is. All I need is to get away from this place from awhile and realize what life and spirituality is all about.

a small comment

BOYS ARE DUMB.

That's all I have to say.

green gets ugly

This is completely outside of my normal once-a-week blogging activity... maybe that's a bad sign... but I just can't concentrate right now. This will at least keep me in my room, instead of walking around and starting conversations that will last two hours or more... not that that's a bad thing either, it's just that I've been getting to bed really late because of it, and not getting enough studying in. College would be better without classes. True that.

Talking about things that would be better... life has been better as of the last dozen or so hours. We decided to move the talent show back to next semester, which takes a huge load off my shoulders for the next couple days. Karate belt test was moved back to next Saturday, so I've got more time to order belts for everyone... although I really need to get on that soon. Group work for Anatomy is now due in a week instead of this Thursday. And the Future of Honors discussion went really well (at least, that was my impression)! Yeah, life is better.

But why is my head still whirling with endless thoughts? I guess school isn't everything that's on my mind.

Still listening to "The General"... I wish someone would tell me that I could get away from it all, just walk away, that I wasn't being held to others' (haha, or my own) expectations... sometimes we just need to be forgiven. It's hard enough to forgive yourself, though.

And boys are trouble.

like a child

So Thanksgiving has come and gone. My head hurts from studying OChem three days straight, and then getting stuck in near-death driving conditions on the 8 (normally 6) hour ride back... Why did I come back? Oh yeah, class... bleh. I could barely stay awake in my classes... I tell you, I could have sworn that we were going to have our first snow day in about 7 years today, but the snow wasn't falling hard enough, I guess. Wind speed was about 40 mph, but I guess that doesn't matter D:

It was definitely good to be back, enjoying the Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast, shoveling with my papa, watching my parents and aunt and uncle get tipsy on wine at Thanksgiving ;), hanging out with Emily, spending way too much on shopping, having Grandma Kaye ask me every five minutes what I would want for Christmas, seeing people at church... The sermon was really great. It was one of those moments that you don't really look for God to speak to you, but somehow He really gets through... It was a comparison between how our parents wait for us to come back from college... they'll go on with their everyday stuff, but every once in awhile, they'll ask each other, "Hey, I wonder what Jessica's doing right now..." (pause) And, honestly, I almost started crying right there. It's sometimes just really hard to believe that God can care about every person in the world as much as two amazing parents care about their two daughters... I've been realizing it more as life goes on that my parents are the best I could have ever wished for. We really don't realize how freaking hard it must be to simply be "a parent." I'm concerned even now, thinking about how I could ever raise a child, especially in such a place that this world is becoming...

With crap television like Laguna Beach and My Super Sweet Sixteen, tween t-shirts emblazoned with "Princess," "Bow Down To Me," "Diva," or other ridiculously vain and unwarranted saying, it's no wonder that kids are starting to expect such things as a NEW car on their sixteenth, an iPod for A's in sixth grade math, expensive sneakers so they can impress their friends.... and they think that they "deserve" it. Who deserves jack crap in this world? Can they NOT see that about 80% of the world cannot even afford the meal that they get handed to them every day? Can they not understand that getting ANY sort of car at all is a big deal?? I got a '94 Cavalier for my high school days, and I went without a car my first year of college. And you know what, I feel totally privileged, and I probably don't deserve the Corolla I have right now. So why should kids who haven't even passed their driver's permit tests be given brand new Mercedes?? It would be interesting to figure out how many years someone in Honduras would have to work to get the same quality of life that we would spend on one year of living... Sometimes this world makes me sick. And then you see people trampling others on the dawn of the day after Thanksgiving; under the disguise of getting "gifts" for family and friends, they cut off cars on their way into the super malls, grab as many of whatever cheap crap is on sale as they can, and budge into line without a care for anyone else... Whoever came up with the idea that we should celebrate our thanks for what we have by buying shit loads of more crap that we don't need is utterly sick in the head... and probably a dirty pirate hooker...

there was a decorated general with
a heart of gold, that likened him to
all the stories he told
of past battles, won and lost,
and legends of old a seasoned veteran in
his own time
on the battlefield, he gained
respectable fame with many medals
of bravery and stripes to his name
he grew a beard as soon as he could
to cover the scars on his face
and always urged his men on
but on the eve of a great battle
with the infantry in dream
the old general tossed in his sleep
and wrestled with its meaning
he awoke from the night
to tell what he had seen
and walked slowly out of his tent
all the men held tall with their
chests in the air, with courage in
their blood and a fire in their stare
it was a gray morning and they all
wondered how they would fare
till the old general told them to go home
He said

I have seen the others
and I have discovered
that this fight is not worth fighting

and I've seen their mothers
and I will no other
to follow me where I'm going

So, take a shower and shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
take a shower and shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
go now you are forgiven

but the men stood fast with their
guns on their shoulders not knowing
what to do with the contradicting orders
the general said he would do his own
duty but he would extend it no further
the men could go as they pleased

not a man moved, their eyes gazed
straight ahead till one by one they
stepped back and not a word was said
and the old general was left with his
own words echoing in his head
he then prepared to fight

"The General" Dispatch

the dark side of break

Thanksgiving break is wonderful, don't get me wrong. It's just that every time I've tried to fall asleep in my own bed, I keep getting these awful nightmares. It's like now that I actually have a chance to look at all my academic worries from the semester without trying to remember everything extracurricular that I have going on, my brain is relishing every contortion of how I could fail my classes this semester (yeah, I think that was a run-on sentence, but I don't really care. Read it again if you don't understand). Last night I don't know how many nightmares I had on forgetting assignments, big projects, tests, etc...

Then again, I've had nightmares at home since I started sleeping in that room about 12 years ago! I still remember waking up when I was a kid and running up to my sister's and mom and dad's room, just so I would know that they weren't being murdered by some serial killer. I just always had this impression as a kid that if something happened to me, they wouldn't know that anything was happening til it was too late. Carbon monoxide poisoning was frequently in my nightmares... I also had nightmares that a witch lived under my room and could pull me down into her lair by lowering my bed...

Anyways, now that you know that I'm schizophrenic :) It's snowing outside! And food yesterday was AWESOME... my auntie Sue made a cross between pumpkin and pecan pie that was absolutely delicious, Jimmy made his excellent bread, I peeled some potatoes (haha, that was my contribution), my mom made some superb cherry-and-golden-raisin stuffing and gravy, dad brined and cooked the turkey rotisserie-style over the grill... yum...

So I definitely did some Pilates today :) I think I'll start doing that, because I am such a noodle right now. I need to get stronger (so I can throw more guys over my back in karate, haha). Time for a shower, but maybe more later... after I get some OChem studying in, which will perhaps appease these nightmare demons in my mind...

giving thanks

It will be good to be home... it's just hard to think that I'll be driving 6 hours there only to drive 6 more hours a few days later to get back. Plus, after Thanksgiving, it's basically a rat race of studying, events, and other crap. Discussion on the Future of Honors is Tuesday, Anatomy group work is due Thursday (as is the JFS Talent Show), Anatomy extra credit project is due Friday, Saturday is the Karate Formal (which I'll have to sell tickets for on both Wednesday and Friday), and Sunday is the Johnstone/Fulton/Smith/Swanson Dodgeball Tourney... God help me. So, I really should get some studying done over Thanksgiving, as sad as that sounds.

What else... SmartEnforcer is fed up with my lack of an anti-virus system. It's tried to keep me off the system two different times, and I was actually in the process of trying to renew over the phone just awhile ago, but thankfully I got tired of the on-hold music and succeeded at logging in (after about 8 tries or so).

Well, I should go to karate tonight, since I haven't done that in awhile. Maybe I can get my pent-up aggressions out on the punching bag after self-defense.

Good things about going home:
- Canned cranberry sauce
- Good homemade food
- Mom, Dad, and other family
- rest
- No extra homework, besides the stuff I already have

Bad things:
- Hella-long drive
- the price of gas
- Realizing there is such a thing as good food and the resulting dread of going back to eat at the dining centers on Monday
- most likely not getting the chance to get much work done at all
- etc.

informally yours

Thank you for the advice, everyone. I'm going to try to be less hard on myself... but it's kind of hard, especially realizing that I only have a couple more weeks until finals (?!!?! yeah, just typing that out made me freak out a little).

Last night was the Honors Formal, and it was most definitely the most fun I've ever had at any dance... I'm stealing April's words a little here, but it seems that as you get older, you lose those thoughts of "What if people are watching me and judging me based on how I'm dancing??" and just learn to not care. So, basically, that's what I did ;) I'm not the best dancer, but at least I can accept it and move on... and it's a good thing I had some pretty awesome dance partners *wink*

Sadly, the only thing I have pictures from is the truck stop we went to after the dance... and, well, they aren't the kind of pictures that can be appreciated by a mass group of people. More pics to come from the dance... :)

Tonight will be hall gov, studying for that dang DiffEQ test that will be tomorrow, and other poop.

when the balance breaks

So, maybe Emily's life and mine are somewhat mirrors in a way... sometimes inverted, but whatever happens is always related... Umm, so I better just say it. I flat out failed my first college test. 55% for my second Spanish Comp exam. It's not like it was a slack test, and I studied really hard for it, too. It was one of those cases that I thought I knew the stuff, but missed an integral part, like accounting for multiplicity of indirect objects in verb conjugation. A wide variety of four-letter have passed through my lips, but I'm going to censor them for now. Of course, it's not only that. Whenever something goes bad, I have to reflect on all the other areas of life that I'm failing at. Like still being behind in my classes. Or having too much to think about in terms of karate, hall gov, NRHH, APO, and that damn karate formal that has been eating away my brain (that, in a couple weeks, I'll be making all of you go to... it's not like it's not going to be fun for you, I promise that, it's just that it's hell trying to organize it). Decided to drop EL, going to Golden Key mtgs (not that I ever started that), and NSCS.

Sorry for my profanity, but in general, I keep this blog pretty clean. Right now I have no where to go and scream. This is my opportunity.

Here's a song that's been somehow stuck in my head...

son's gonna rise in a mile
in a mile you'll be feelin fine
in a mile you'll see
after me
you'll be out of the dark
you'll get your shot

- Citizen Cope

thirteen degrees

Sounds like a good name for a band, eh? No... not really... that's actually what the temperature was outside in Grand Forks today, sadly. Not to mention the windchill. Brrr...

Honors Formal this weekend! I may be a little over-excited for it, but it's going to be a blast. C'mon, spinach dip, cheese and fruit, and chocolate-covered strawberries for hors' deuvres? Yeah, totally sweet. Maybe even orgasmic. But I'm not going to say it.

Check Facebook tomorrow (Thursday) for a beautiful ad for the Formal made by yours truly. I'll consider it my $13 donation to the Honors Program... or it would be anyways, because we are still trying to get reimbursements for the halloween party.

Tomorrow is going to be... stressful, to say the least. At 7:50am, I have to set up for BST (Building Service Technician, aka janitor) Appreciation brunch, then Anatomy at 9:30... go to the first half hour of Spanish, then run off to deliver cookies to the BST breakrooms, work from 3-4pm, at 7pm there's an NRHH meeting, Ballroom dance lessons in the J/F Lounge at 8pm, and then Moonlight Pizza at the Dining Centers starting at 10! Yeah, and certain people are copping out on dancing because they have a whole "four classes" ;) Nah, I know that I ask for this much involvement. I'm not complaining.

So, life is busy, but incredibly fulfilling at the same time. It's good. And I've really been enjoying the early morning weekends... I've started realizing how much time I waste on weekends if I end up sleeping in until breakfast. Yay for morning math. And I'm almost caught up! Sweet.

Okay, time to stop this nonsense. More later.

lost in translation

Too many languages. Whenever I go between my OChem, Anatomy, and Spanish classes, it's like I have to switch my brain to translate everything differently... not to mention what happens when I start work at the MLC on Fridays... aahhh!! Well, I didn't work today, so my brain isn't in too much pain right now. Yay for that.

Tonight we're celebrating Russell-kins birthday... maybe a cake will be made. And games involving ping pong balls?? Well, I don't know what that could possibly be.

Things new:
- 0.7 days worth of music in my iTunes
- Knowing what classes I'm taking next semester
- ...yet utter confusion in every other area of my life
- A hole in the Smith basement wall, owing to the amazing ideas of Smith hall gov ;)
- No JFS Dodgeball tourney, since not enough people signed up
- Having any homework done at all in DiffEq (and almost half of it done, at that)
- MACURH pictures
- resolved friendships, new friendships, disturbing dreams about past relationships
- hair color (as of a couple weekends ago, I just never posted about it)

"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." Ben Stein

brain owie

I'm too tired to post right now. My brain hurts from studying for 5 1/2 hours... my hand hurts from writing 6 chapters' worth of anatomy notes... and I can't really think of anything else to complain about. I had a wonderful shower, so that's a good thing. And I have a razor now, thanks to my wonderful roomie :) Umm...

Yep, that's all for now. Maybe after my test tomorrow, I'll have a clear enough mind to talk about last weekend's awesomeness.

mind over matter

School has been murdering me slowly the last week, but I think it has decided to cut back on torture for now. OChem test was on Tuesday, which I hope with all my heart that I didn't do as badly as I think that I did. I turned in my DiffEQ test today, in which I place all my hope for earning a B in the class. I hate DiffEQ. If I knew that it would be this hard, I would have seriously reconsidered minoring in math. Maybe I'll drop it. Or maybe I'll just accept the sucky grade that I get this sem and hope it gets better in Lin Alg. Bleh.

All I have to work on (haha, that's funny, because it's actually a poop-load of work) is my Sophomore Honors Portfolio. I'm creating cut-out collages for the dividers, but I seriously wonder whether it's going to look cool enough for submission. Maybe art isn't my strong point.

And I have to revise both my Brain paper and the Mayo lab experience paper, as well as write translations for my two Spanish compositions.

Let's go on to something else besides depressing facts about school... I've been having strange thoughts lately, that perhaps where I am in life isn't where I should be. It's not like anything has changed, though. The people around me, the events that fill my day... is it just that I'm prone to being restless? Maybe it's the pressure that I put on myself with HPSO stuff... I mean, if I can't get my own friends to participate in something that I care about, then maybe I should give up. Or maybe I'm unable to communicate how much these things mean to me. Or maybe people just don't care. And, truth be told, that's probably the hardest thing to accept. When one of my close friends tells me that he hates HPSO, it's almost as if I should take it personally. Why does HPSO suck? It's the responsibility of the exec team to make sure that it doesn't, so it obviously is your fault, Jessica. (I know it's not, but I still can't get past thinking about it excessively throughout the day). And why should I care if people don't like HPSO? Because then it feels like they're discounting my accomplishments and my commitments as if I'm doing nothing.

I need to sleep and get away from people who complain. I get enough of that from myself.

in the biz

So, here I am, sitting in a hotel room. Jordan is cranky. Faith is rockin' out to her music, which is pretty cool. Tyler, I think, is just trying to adjust to our weirdness ;) So life in general is pretty good.

Jordan almost crashed my car into some older gentleman as we were pulling out of a gas station. At least, I'm pretty sure that we didn't hit the other car. It was a really dusty car (or "vehicle", if you rather) and there wasn't any sign of the dustiness of his car being disturbed, therefore that black mark on the front of the car was probably there long before. Because I've certainly never driven a car into anything... oh crap, except for that one time I accelerated instead of braked coming into the garage after gymnastics practice junior year... that screws up my perfect record... But at least I've never hurt my dear Corolla yet. *tear*

So, you should all check out the movie "Waiting...". It's the most disgusting, disturbing, yet absolutely hilarious film that I've seen in a long time. Definitely ranks up there with "40 Year Old Virgin". Maybe some day I'll find a good serious movie in the theatres, but so far, the sexually-perverted-college-aimed-absolutely ridiculous movies are winning out. :)

Karate tourney tomorrow morning!! I've decided to compete in katas and sparring... for my kata, I picked Pinan Yodan, although Martha expressly told us that we shouldn't compete with katas that we've just learned. I think I know it fairly well, though... at least, enough to have fun with it. I just need to work on the no-laughing and no-pursing-my-lips-to-keep-from-laughing thing. Especially in sparring. I know that I'm going to get a punch to the boob or something tomorrow and just break out giggling. Sigh. Some things can't be helped.

Oh yes, and I don't have any plain underwear for the tourney, so I really hope my gi stays in place and doesn't show off my zebra-stripe-bordered panties. Ummm... yeah. :)

I'll be back on Saturday night, but until then... Be safe, be smart... and have a good weekend.

a Lost obsession

The weekend was way too short. And it took me an inordinate amount of time to type that last sentence. Yeah, just imagine me speaking. Bleh.

Last week on "Lost," we learn more about Locke's weird past and how he can't keep himself from parking in his long-lost dad's driveway and reveling in how his dad renewed contact just to get him to give him one of his kidneys... and then disappeared out of Locke's life again. A friendship and potential for a serious romantic relationship presents itself to Locke during this time, but after she discovers his obsession, she poses him the question of whether or not he would take a "leap of faith" towards a relationship with her and forget the past...

However, what's to say that leaps of faith have a definite direction? Isn't it a leap of faith to hold to the same situation as before, hoping that there is a chance for renewal and restoration in that which you believe?

I'm tired but satisfied right now, I guess. The next few weeks I'll be reexamining life and what it holds for me... I'm excited :)

P.S. If you love irons with a passion, you should definitely check out the new link to Sean Klitzner's Daily Fix... and make sure to watch the episode "Folgers." It's possibly the most amazing thing I've ever seen. ;)

the white stuff

So, I look out my window today, and what do I see?

That's right, my friends. It snowed last night in Grand Forks.

But see, that's not even the worst of it. Other places around the state already had 5-6" accumulation, such as Grafton and Mandan. Check this out for the latest weather ... (I think it'll work...) http://www.crh.noaa.gov/radar/latest/DS.p19r0/si.kmvx.shtml

Time to go color some pictures in my anatomy coloring book. And then revise a Spanish paper that I don't even have peer critiques for. Sweet.

organic stinks... literally

Just came back from lab, and I stink like acetone and 1,4-dimethoxybenzene... yesss... I do have to be thankful that I wasn't at the hood when my lab partners accidentally sprayed concentrated HCl all over, especially since I was wearing my one article of Hollister clothing at the time.

Family weekend, alas, is over. I really enjoyed having my parents come up, regardless of how stressed I might have been trying to get things prepared (like, uh, doing laundry, making my bed, cleaning the room, getting football tickets, etc. etc.). I know some kids think that the best part of college is getting away from their parents... which may be true, in some situations... but really, we need our parents. (Got that, Steph?)

Mmmm... I'm looking at the tag from those roasted bavarian almonds we had at the football game... soooo good...

Okay, so I promised an update on the Mpls trip. Leaving GF was a little crazy, considering I was rushing around last minute trying to print off maps (which it turns out that we didn't even need... grr...). The ride up was pretty uneventful, considering I spent the whole time trying to tune out Heidi and another girl's conversation on D&D, cats, their own teen angst, and the color purple. Yeah.

Caspian Bistro was amazing!! After an entire month of bland North Dakotan cuisine, I was fully ready for an overdose of sodium, Greek olives, hummus, carvings from a compressed meat wheel (a.k.a. gyro meat), and (how could I forget??) baklava. Uhhh... so wonderful...

The Guthrie was also very cool, although I could barely stay awake for the show (haha, and that happened last year on the mpls trip, too). Sunday morning we got a chance to return to walk around the Walker Art Institute, which was also really interesting... Like canvases of the imprints of naked female bodies covered in blue paint... huge crystal chandeliers netted and suspended by thin wire strings (which we took pictures of while we laid beneath them... so awesome)... an entire exhibit on the self-portraits of this one guy throughout his life... Interesting stuff.

But of course, we must cover nightlife in Minneapolis as well ;) Neer gave me a call earlier on Saturday to let me know we were invited to come over to his apartment... but what he didn't know was that I'd be bringing about 15 people he didn't know ... :) (Umm... not to mention the fact that I barely knew a lot of the people who came along with me)... And... all the electricity we had running to the music system ended up killing the circuit breaker for a good half hour... I was really worried at first, because I thought the police had turned off our power so we would quiet down, but apparently that's impossible. Silly "small-town girl" me.

Anyways. It was a fantastic night, and when Neer's roomies finally kicked us out at 1:30, we headed over to BK for some french-fried goodness. Yeah, that's right; things are actually open past 11 there!! Whoa!!

On the way back, our van had the chance to hit up the Albertville Outlets... ahh, the greatness of Aeropostale sales... I got a pair of long shorts for $3, two sweaters for $6.50 each, and a thermal henley set for $13... (sigh)

And since Faith and I got back late from shopping, everyone forced me to sit in the back seat, squished in with 3 other people... silver lining? Yeah, I didn't have to listen to weird convos for the remaining 4 hours back. Cons? A couple of bruised ribs, a lump on my head from falling asleep repeatedly against the window, and slight asfixiation due to insufficient oxygen... but heck, think of the alternatives... ;)

learning to breathe

The worst is over... yes, ladies and gentlemen, I successfully took my first OChem test this morning! All that time spent studying those stupid pKa values paid off :) since I got them all right (yes!!!). Umm.. what else to say... I had a lovely nap today from 3 to 4:45... which was well-needed, considering I've been getting about 5 1/5 good hours of sleep each night for the last few days, and I woke up at 5 am this morning feeling like I had to puke up everything in the world. Oh, but don't worry. At least I have a lot of potential causes for this sudden sickness... could be that nasty chicken that I had in that wrap last night... or it could be that I was just really nervous for my test... or maybe I was just really cold and therefore felt sick.

Anyways.

The moral of the story is, life is good. And I get to see mis padres in only a couple days, although I probably won't see them at all on Friday. Oh yeah, and I'm going to enter a frat for the first time in my life. Not really for a party at all, just that we're meeting there before the Beta Homecoming dance. Which I still have to buy a dress for... *sigh*... not that I don't enjoy shopping, it's just that I'm getting down to the wire now. I'll cross my fingers that Gordman's has something cute. And really cheap. Because I have no money.

Something to applaud me for: Since I didn't have ANY time to do anything except for study OChem the last few days, I've been putting off everything else in the world. So, when I was done with my test and managed through a good 75 minutes of Anatomy drudgery, I had precisely 1 hour to write a 200-word Spanish composition and 15 minutes for lunch. Well, it turned out to be 219 words. And I only had 10 minutes to eat. But surprisingly, it was a pretty decent paper. And I actually participated in class for once. I'll master this whole doing-homework-on-time-and-being-a-good-student yet ;)

Pero ahora, necesito dormir. Ahhh, el reposo embriagante...

(P.S. I need to update on the Mpls trip....... yep, need to.... but not now. Trust me, it's worth waiting for...)

the art of sorrow

This weekend has been a three-day run of not-really-knowing-what's-going-on. I'm going to see how writing this entire post in questions will work... And mind you, most of these are rhetorical.

Is it normal to have cried 5 times in the span of 3 days?

Why is it that Fulton boys are so cruel? And why can't they find a better hobby besides making me feel miserable?

Where is my life going... what am I doing... and who even cares?

Why does it hurt so much to be on my own...

I miss my mom and dad...

now, now, kiddies

Mmmm... again, I've been too busy to post. Right now I should be working on revising my first spanish composition (el mundo de los suenos), but it will come. I have Anatomy in half an hour anyways, so it's not like I'm going to get any substantial work done. Oh yeah, shoot, this is about the only time I'll be able to do it before class at 12:30. Whatever. It's a good thing I work well under pressure.

Decisions, decisions. I need some input on this. My RA Rhiannon is trying to talk me into becoming an RA for next year. Advantages: get paid to do some of the stuff I do already with hall gov and floor events. Disadvantages: have to actually obey rules (no extension cords, no throwing stuff out windows, no crawling out of windows to get places... j/k, but some of those rules are pretty dumb), have life sucked away by the time I have to spend on duty, have to be a mom/babysitter to 40 girls... Or I could become a Student Ambassador, which is less work (basically just opening weekend stuff and occasional meetings)... And what about housing next year? I'm trying to decide between staying in the dorms in a double-as-a-single, or getting an apartment with some other girls.

How about I talk about something else besides... myself. Would that be okay? Good. I'm a little worried about Stephie again. Apparently she was talking about how she needs to lose more weight when she was at dinner with Waseem yesterday. I don't want to see her go through the same thing she went through last year. I'm tired of it, and it really makes me sad that she can't see herself for the wonderful, beautiful person that she is.

Okay, enough with this. I have some homework to do. Keep it real.

dreamworld

It's Friday!!

Well, that's about all I have to say for right now. I'm almost done with my 3 hours of math tutoring for the day, and it's beginning to show. After awhile, I just become unable to talk about anything... it's as if the math warps my brain or something. Oh well. I think I might have actually helped people today! It's a tough thing, this teaching stuff. I never really realized how difficult it is to teach others. Really, you have so much power... either you can screw them up and therefore jade their entire opinion of you, or you can do a decent job... but in order to do that, you can't confuse them. And who am I to know what they understand?! It's difficult. But it's also a really valuable experience. I just hope that I'm actually helping them, instead of confusing them. Pah.

So I created a Facebook group for UND Karate today ;) Good use of time!! It's an invite-only group, so I have the thrill of holding all that power... along with Dave... and April... but anyways, you should check it out :) And, if you don't have the opportunity to be a Facebook junkie like the entire college population (minus Wheaton, mwah haha), you can check out our website through UND! Sweet! http://www.und.nodak.edu/org/aokarate/

Oooohhh... that was a strike of thunder...

Yeah, it's been thundering and lightning all day today. Not really any rain, except for a nice bit we got this morning. Perfect day to stay inside and tutor math students. :) AND... it should be a perfect weekend for a volleyball tournament! Also, if you want to play some DDR Saturday night, come by the J/F Lounge... we're going to hook up a PS2 to the big screen tv!!

For now... time to dodge some lightning and head back to ol' J3.

life as we know it

It's been a rough week... week-and-a-half, rather. I didn't realize how fast things would pick up after the start of school. But now I sit, pondering the wonderful possibilities that could fill this impending three-day-weekend... ahhh, what a good feeling. I'll probably first have to finish my Spanish composition that I didn't have done for Thursday, and then I'll have to get started on the assignment that should be due for Tuesday. After that, a little SHP work'll be necessary... and some OChem and a lot of Anat204 to study. Not to mention DiffEQ, the class in which we haven't even met our professor yet. Okay, well, I can cross my fingers and hope for a little fun. Doubt that Winnipeg will see me this weekend, but I guess I can live without it for now.

At least I have the satisfaction of a good job. Definitely tiring, but rewarding all the while. Time for explanation: I started tutoring in the Math Learning Center yesterday. I didn't realize how many people come to the MLC for help... and how many of them live and eat in the same places I do... just yesterday evening, I saw three of the people I helped... a couple in the lounge of my residence hall, and one at Terrace... it's going to be kind of weird having that connection to all these people :) Let's hope I'm doing a good job.

Umm... well. Time to work on revising my SHP commentary and data sheet. I'm liking the fact that the class gives me motivation to work and revise my portfolio, but I'm not exactly thrilled about having graded deadlines. I hope that once things settle down, I can actually finish my homework in time for all these due dates... instead of using the pity plea, which I've already used twice in the last two days.

So, what has been going on in your life, Jessica? A lot of different stuff, I guess. It's hard being involved in a zillion things and getting homework done as well. And it's also difficult to concentrate on homework when I'm not even sure how my personal life is going. Or where it's going. Plus, it doesn't help that these allergies I've been suffering through have now turned me into a horrible asthmatic for the past couple days. Asthma has to be one of the most embarrassing (and gross) afflictions to have. I mean, who likes to hear someone else wheezing and coughing up flem. It's hard to get sympathy.

Time for SHP work...

ha HA! back in potato land!

Poop! I'm really bad at this whole "staying on task" thing... I think I attempted to start this post about an hour ago, and I've been distracted by facebook and other wonderful things until now. Anyways, time for an update.

So, I've been in school for almost a week now. 4 days is pretty close to a week. And in those four days, I've gotten an amazing amount of homework already. I have to write a coversheet and some other junk for Sophomore Honors Portfolio class. Spanish comp requires a lot of reading and memorization of South America geography. I would have a lot of stuff to do for anatomy if the textbooks would only come in (which they haven't yet, damn publishers. And Barnes and Noble. I hate them all). OChem is pretty exciting... and I have a quiz already this Tuesday! Yikes! DiffEQ is pretty good, and I only have to write up this homework quiz thing for Wednesday. Comparatively, not so bad.

Things are really getting going. Honors is pretty much in full swing. APO will be starting up this Tuesday, as will Karate AND Emerging Leaders. (Yeah, uh, who decided to move the EL meeting time to Tuesday??!!) Tuesdays are starting to sound ridiculous. what else... I start tutoring at the Math Learning Center this Thursday... NRHH already started... oh, and Hall Gov starts up tomorrow evening. I'm pretty psyched, considering we had about 10 girls volunteer to be wing reps for J3 :) Amazing girls, they are. I'm convinced that J3 is going to be the best it's ever been this year.

Okay, now for more interesting things... so, apparently Stephie is pretty interested in this F3 guy, Ryan... well, more widely known as Opie... and, I've gotta admit, he seems pretty sweet. But you have to watch out for those boys... especially when they are interested in your sis...

I went to this random party last night and saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in a very long time... and the way in which I knew them was entirely unique from person to person, so that was pretty cool. Let's see... Ramsey was there... a guy I knew from EL last year... and another guy I worked on the JFS Quadbecue with. The party itself was particularly unimpressive, especially in how a number of the guys there kept pushing us to buy cups for the keg. Bleh. Not exactly how I imagined my first GF party would turn out ;) Anyways...

Time to make some oatmeal cookies, I think. Girls Night In tonight with loads of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies... a few chick flicks... what could be better? And Karate-Q tomorrow! I'm excited to see how Jordan's pies are, along with the rest of his esteemed cuisine. Update to come (sooner than before, I hope).

off we go again

So, there goes another summer. But it's really not "just another" summer. I think this one has been perhaps the fastest summer I've ever experienced... Honestly, I didn't even meet up with my Brainerd cousins... we didn't go on the houseboat trip... didn't go to Canada at all... but... it was still good.

5 o'clock is pretty early... That means I can sleep a max of 4 hours and 20 minutes, if I type this one really fast. And that doesn't account for waking-up-time and eating-breakfast...

Things to remember: laptop, camera, CDs, clothes, toothbrush... and... sanity. I better find that one quick.

It was a good evening :) Thank you to everyone who took part!! Yes, even the whipped-cream demons ;)

Time for bed, and then driving 6 hours to GF!

seattle, portland... and more

It's been a long time without an update... time to let you all know what I've been doing :)

Flying out first-class was pretty sweet. I'm not going to deny that. Getting free Toblerone and ginormous lounge chairs on a 4 hour flight? Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. But flying home and finding out that your chair is completely soaked through with .... something... (we're going to say it was water... that's what I'm hoping) yeah, that's not so awesome. Seriously. If you've got a first class ticket, you'd think that they would take care of something like that a little bit quicker than, say, 30 minutes??? Meanwhile, I'm halfway between standing and squatting, trying to avoid both the low ceilings of the window-seat-area and the wetness of the seat cushion. Ughh...

I climbed to the top of the tallest waterfall in the US! I hope I can get a picture of that up here. Maybe someday.

Umm... there was a lot of shopping... I saw the perfect shirt "Oh him? He's a friend." ;) But someone might get mad at me for wearing it... tee hee

And the most awesome tank top ever... "Made in the '80s" ... ON SALE!! Yes, now I'm going to wear it around everywhere :) Until it gets too cold for it in GF... which is about 4 weeks from now...

Okay, time for bed. I think we're going to Gay 90s tomorrow. And salsa dancing on Monday. After X-rays in the morning... yay! Night!

flying out

So, this is my last day of work this summer. I'm so glad to be done presenting my projects... it's been a long summer, but yet unbelievably short when I look back on it. Anyways. It's not quite time to get sentimental.

I leave for Washington today right after work... we'll see what kind of experience that is :) I'll have a 2 1/2 hour layover in MSP on both the flight out and flight back... but I am going first class, so I guess it makes it a little less horrible...

Oh yeah! Supposedly some peeps from UND are going to be up in Seattle the same weekend! Totally sweet!!

I have nothing. I'm exhausted from presenting yesterday. I just want to go home, and not have to clean out any more flasks.

ghetto superstar

See, you never know what will happen when girls' minds grow idle. That's probably why Rochester is such a dangerous place to live in. Out of boredom, we create games, such as "dance and run" (park at a gas station, grocery store, Blockbuster, or other well-lit, late night venue and dance until someone sees you and then drive away) or the ever-favorite chinese fire drill, except minus the running and plus our fantastic groove moves... yeah *wink* Brittney and Emily are my heros!! Oh yeah, and we AREN'T stalkers... even if we walk to this one guy's house at 11:30 PM, and then later stop by the restaurant he's supposed to be at... tee hee hee...

A success, indeed. It's amazing how much fun you can have without spending or drinking anything :)

Tomorrow shall be a fantastic waterski day... although that does mean getting up WAY early and piloting the boat the entire day. Oh well. Any excuse for hanging out with friends in the sun is a good one. Basically anything that doesn't involve being in freezing cold buildings is good. So... maybe I should tell the people who control the temp at Stabile to turn the freaking AC off. Or just bear it for 4 more days.

So, in case any of you don't know, I'll be flying out to Washington (first-class, cha-ching!) Thursday afternoon... Exciting!! I get to see real mountains for the third time in my life!! And the Pacific Ocean for the first time!!!! Exclamation points!!!!!!

Time for bed, and time to take off the whitestrips. Feel the burn, burns so good.

pee shivers

Hee hee... do you ever get the need to shiver after you pee? I don't know why, but I've always done it, ever since I was little. Tee hee hee...

Anyways... almost time to go back to school!! I'm pretty excited... although that's probably already apparent, since I've been talking about this for about... 3 weeks now... yeah, time for school again. And time to order some school shoes! Seriously, what the heck is wrong with shoe stores these days?! They have nothing!! Hear me? Nothing!!! What is a girl to do?? Well, probably what she did last year... yep, stick with the same old shoes that I've had for forever, and a half. Hmm... what does the internet hold...

Umm... well, that's taking too long. On another note... the other day I was driving out to Emily's house, and I started thinking about how Minnesotans on average are way better drivers than drivers in other states. Then about 5 minutes later, I realized I still had my right turn blinker still on. Haha, well, at least other Minnesotans are better ;)

Time for beddy bye! Wish me luck on my paper that I have to write for work... and pray for Emily, that her brain tumor isn't cancerous... please...

sugar high

Right now I'm way too hyped up on DQ ice cream to get any decent quality of sleep. So... what do I do? Yay for blogger.

Just finished carrying Emily's little sis out to the car... we watched Spainglish (which, btw, was fantastic... kind of makes me wonder why we all can't have guys in love with us like Adam Sandler... and why I can't have perfect morals like Flor...) and Sierra (as I would do if I were 4 years old) fell asleep within the first half hour, so we let her sleep in my room.

My current life is decidedly a combination of stinking crap that I have to deal with, some meaningless hints of worth (such as a few x-z slices on confocal showing excellent basolateral staining on a number of MD-1s and wt MDCKs) and the friendships that carry it all through...

Oh, I did manage to get new bedding for school :) I'm probably more excited than I should be for a few pieces of cloth... but it is green...

So, it's been decided that a list will be made among all girls as to the qualifications of a dateable guy. More on that after the weekend has had its course.

Talking about the weekend, I guess there's camping going on? Give me a call if you want to go waterskiing!! (And yes, I am perfectly able to drive the boat, thank you very much... grrr... boys...) Pero ahora, va a dormir!! Hasta luego...

Oh yeah, P.S., I thought this was a really cute picture that needed to be posted... For all y'all who missed out on the Roch fest street dance... this is what you were missing out on! Look at these babes, ow ow!

umm... okay

So it's been realized that I tend to only write blogs when I'm in bad moods. Probably not a good thing, especially for those people that I tend to be mad at/frustrated/disappointed with. And since I would only feel intense emotions like those for people that I'm close to and/or care about a lot, people who read this tend to get the idea that my friends are terrible. Well, they really aren't. And I should probably find a way to vent my feelings in some way that isn't so passive-aggressive.

More later...

On the way home from work, I passed this truck that had a sticker on it that read "SPORTSMEN FOR BUSH '04". That got me thinking... what if other, typically pro-Dem groups decided to make stickers symbolizing their support for GWB. Take, for example, lesbians. If I were a lesbian, I think I would still side with the conservative view of equal opportunity for all (for eg., less of the outrageous advantages awarded to minorities solely based on their skin color, responsible governmental spending, etc. etc.). But for some reason, I don't think the campaign slogan "LESBIANS FOR BUSH" has the same effect... *wink*

taking back saturday

It's been another one of those long, drawn-out weeks that makes you want to use the weekend for everything it's worth... Or be used by your friends for all it's worth. You know, either way.

So... umm... okay. Starting with ... Friday? Wasn't really that exciting... Well, I did happen to see my supervisors in random places, which was pretty weird. I had to pick up my bike from the repair shop after work that day, and it just so happens to be that my boss and two of my lab supervisors were enjoying HUGE mugs of beer outside Dos Amigos at exactly the time I walked by :) It was really interesting, because that's pretty much the first time I've actually seen them outside of the work setting. And even though they're REALLY OLD (tee hee, like, 29 and older), it was fun sitting with them and just talking about random things (like how Ed would look good wearing tiny bike shorts! weird!!)...

Party at Emily's on Friday, but nothing much exciting happened. Played some cards, half a game of pool... jumped on the trampoline, which just happened to have an enormously heavy kiddie pool underneath that we could not have possibly moved... needless to say, it looked like I peed my pants after awhile :)

Saturday... ah, Saturday. Picked up Emily and little sis Sierra and headed out to meet Jess in LC. Of course, we had to pick up something on the way (namely, ice and water), so we stopped at the Zumbro Falls BP... I grab my wallet and open the door to get out... and for some reason, this buzzing sound turns on. I check the lights and just figure that it must be because the CD player adapter is in the tape deck... so, we head into BP, buy ice, water and all that good stuff... and as we get back to the car, I realize that I don't have keys anywhere on me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I locked the keys in the van. NOT ONLY that, but since I wasn't paying attention last weekend when my dad told me exactly where the spare key is, I spent a good 20 minutes on my back under the van trying to find that damn box. And since our cell phones were locked in the car, we had no way of reaching anyone...

Well, that's where we were without the awesome help of the girl working at the gas station. She just happened to have a boyfriend who works towing trucks and would of course unlock the door for us :) Seriously, how many times do people come to your rescue like that? The rest of the ride to LC was a haze to me, because I kept thinking about how much of a miracle it is that there are still good people in the world...

Whereas, sometimes your own friends (and etc.) can let you down.

I mean, I know how much of a loser I am. Honestly. I don't need my own friends repeating embarassing stories to the whole world.

Also, it hurts to know that regardless of how many times I invite people out to do stuff, those same people would not in the world do the same favor of inviting me to something of theirs. I'm tired of being used for my hospitality. I know I'm not perfect, but at least I go through the effort of trying to keep up friendships. Maybe there's just something about me that I don't know. Like how I embarass my friends with how much of a dork I am. Yeah, that's probably it.

Have a good weekend, all. Don't try to reach me today (not that you would), because I've had it for this weekend. Time for some shopping by myself, and maybe a haircut too.

time to return?

I'm feeling more and more like it's probably about time to head back to college...

No, it's not that I hate being around home. Nor is it that I don't enjoy being with my family, or having the chance to see high school buds. It's just that every day ends up being longer than the last... and it doesn't hurt experiencing the awkwardness of "hey" "hey" "how's college" "good" conversations with people I barely knew in h.s. (yet somehow as we have been released from the prison of century, are those we feel obligated to acknowledge... or maybe I'm just antisocial) ...

Just made some chocolate chip cookies. Mmmmm... cookie dough is definitely just as good as the cooked kind... and it even has tasty salmonella sometimes...

Summer is more than halfway over. Well, the break of it, at least. Doesn't that make you want to take a road trip to Canada? It must be done.

Talking about things being done... time for cookies :)

everybody to the limit!

Everyone needs to come to Hok-si-la campgrounds this Friday for some awesome camping adventures! We're going to carpool from Emily's house at 6PM and hopefully show up before 7 at the campsite. Seriously, everyone should come, because it's going to be a blast. And a half. And Saturday we'll get to enjoy lovely Lake Pepin.

So, Independence Day has come and gone once again. I don't even have any cool pictures of the day. A shame, but nevertheless, a magical day indeed.

I want to wax my legs. The hair is now about 1/3" long. Yep, prrrretty gross.

The last 3 days I have been sleeping on the downstairs couch in a sleeping bag. I decided about a week ago that it would be a good idea to strip all the wallpaper off my walls and paint. Bad idea, when that wallpaper's been there for over 19 years. Yuck-o.

Talking about things that are yuck-o, I just noticed this nasty spider crawling on the floor.... I screamed really loudly... twice... why do I have to be such a wimp?? I even get all this negative reinforcement from my dad, but still I do it. I put my sister's UND folder on top of it and kind of mushed it with my foot a little. YUCK. I hope it's dead.

My ears are wet, I'm tired, and I want to go to bed. And Waseem is coming in two days. And I still haven't started painting yet. Ohhh man. Please, if you have time, pray that I don't get eaten by this gross spider that I may or may not have successfully squished under Stephie's folder. (Bleehehhhh, spider thoughts...) Goodnight!

capture-the-flag, reinvented

So, anyways. I have a lot to catch up on. Celebrating Steph's birthday was fun (especially pissing off her stupid boyfriend by stealing her away from him on Friday night, yay!). The wakeboarding's been pretty safe... slaloming too... although there was one fall last weekend that completely took my bottoms off :) haha, thank goodness for the murkiness of Lake Pepin!!

Time for work, but this is just the beginning. More excitement to come :P

childhood days

Yesterday I got a couple big reminders that life is impossibly short. After dinner, Suzy (my aunt) called to say that she was having severe chest pains, so she was wondering if I could hang out with Gabs (her granddaughter) while she and Jimmy went to the hospital. First off, it's shocking to know that someone close to you could be potentially in a life-threatening situation... I haven't heard back from her yet on how she's doing, but she had to stay overnight ... so it was definitely severe enough for the doctors to worry... Second, how can you expect to take care of a 7-year-old girl when something that serious is happening to her grandma? Gabs probably knew what was going on, but being the good sport that she is, she didn't show that she was scared. Man, it's hard enough trying not to be worried myself, imagine having to calm someone else??

Gabs and I did have some fun yesterday :) We took off in a rocket headed for the moon and then the sun and then Mars... I found out that male seahorses are the ones that have seahorse babies... (take that, boys) ... we bought some horses, zebras, and elephants with our leaf money... got some ice cream at DQ (where I got some weird looks from concerned parents... NO, I'm not her mother)... played around at Hoover Elementary, where I discovered how much my arm strength has diminished in its capability to swing me across the monkey bars... and watched a little Wallace and Gromit before Jimmy came to pick her up for bedtime. It was a good day :)

We'll see what the weekend holds... perhaps a little waterskiing (pllllease, Dad?)... some birthday celebration for Jess, Laura, and my fam... a work party for Kaori...most likely some awful, messed-up dreams, like the one I had last night... wishing that Emily wasn't so busy with soccer tourneys... yep, that's about it.

a bit distressed

Hmm... not exactly sure what to do at this point. We'll see... indeed, we will...

I still have the smell of Greek food on my hands... and on my breath :) I wonder why anyone even wants to hang out with me! It's not because I'm totally lame that I'm at home on a Tuesday night. Well, yes, maybe a little bit. But for real, I need to start getting enough sleep. Raid (my French supervisor at Mayo) has caught me more than once dozing off during one of his procedural lectures. ;) Shame on me. And shame on all you who keep me out late at night!! tee hee :)

I guess I have to stop talking about it and actually do it. Good night, y'all.

ski deprivation sucks

Well, it does. And so is my consistence on updating my blog. I'll work on that. But first I must complain... It will be at least 2 more weeks until I get a chance to do some real waterskiing. Rollerblading just does not cut it. Biking is a little better, but it is a distant comparison at best to the wonders of skiing on water. Yep. So...

I've been working for a full 6 days as of today, and it is definitely getting better. I did fall asleep in today's lab meeting, but really, it was the best I could do when I could hardly understand the acronyms they were using for the molecular receptors and compounds and stuff. Seriously. The next few months of dreams for me will be filled with R-Smads, DMEM, TGF-beta, Cre-LoxP Recombinase, MD-1 cells, Hygromycin, Neomycin, Trypsin, dnTP, Abl-GFP chimeras... do I need to go on? Didn't think so.

Steph's grad party was a grand success. Hanging out with the family (and extended family) was definitely worthwhile, as was finding out that Aaron Freeman will be going to RCTC next year ;) Poor Aaron. Well, I guess I'm really not all that sorry. Oops. I also got a chance to talk to Danny, which was excellent, as I haven't talked to him in ages. I think he may have gotten over the fact that I'm a horrible and cruel person. Anyways, this summer should be good. I hope.

I still have scrapes and bruises from wrestling Emily the other night... ;)

becoming the working girl

Work starts tomorrow. That means... I need to find either a pair of closed-toed shoes that I can wear with a skirt, or black shoes to wear with black pants. Sadly, I believe I have neither. And I need to find my passport. Or birth certificate.

This is really boring. Umm... I'm le tired. So I'm going to sleep. Good NIGHT!

need a car wash?

Well, you definitely wouldn't have to pay for one today. Yuck! Does it ever stop raining? God, this is me telling you that all of Olmsted County is fine, rain-wise. No more, please.

Ooh, lightning...

So, today I went in for my pre-employment physical. My first experience of peeing into a cup. Kind of weird, I have to admit. I couldn't even do it the first time... too dehydrated, I guess. Anyways. Too much information, I guess.

And another wonderful gynecology appointment... ehhh... enough said.

While I was inside Papa Murphy's getting a pizza for the fam, God decided to let it pour. I wish I was plastic-wrapped like that pizza when I walked outside. Bleehhhh.

Anyways. Time to drive Grandma Kaye somewhere to pick up her green card pictures. She's currently an illegal alien, but don't tell anyone. Silly Grandma Kaye ;)

let's get (a) physical...

I'm really grateful that I'm a girl. Thank you, Waseem, for letting me know all that I'm missing out on with male physicals... oh yes. I'm still not necessarily looking forward to it, though. "Necessarily" is interjected for the sake that it may be a 25 year old male pre-doc doing the evaluation ;) On that note, maybe that should be one of the reasons that I dread it, as well... thinking of Dani's experience with Pracs... Well, I guess the only thing I should be hoping for is that it's fast, also considering that I have another appointment to go to. What a basketcase of medical problems I am...

So, wake up for a run, go to Mayo to get a physical, eat lunch (necessary part of day), go to another appointment at 2, and then... oh yeah, back to wondering what to do. I think I might be looking forward to being busy with work. Trying to fill up a day is difficult to do after spending 9 crazy months on homework, karate, EL, NRHH, NSCS, Honors Program, tutoring (crap, I still have to write something to them... s#$^h%#;%) and hanging out with wonderful J3ers. Anyways. Wow, yeah, I need to do that. So, moral of the story is, it doesn't matter how busy you are when it comes down to getting stuff done. I feel like I just don't have any motivation to do some of this stuff.

Poopy list to get done by... Thursday?
- Send letters to kids that I tutored this year
- Mail my available hours to UND, so I can tutor in the MLC (math learning center, whoo hoo)
- Also mail evals to Matt for the tutor program
- E-mail my boss to get more info on what I'm actually doing... and if I can get a week off for vacation? :) Wow, this may not be a good thing to do before I've even started working...
- Talk Emily into letting me play DDR with her soon
- Get a tan
- Get a life (well, at least something to occupy my idle mind, besides my lovely OChem book)

current mood:

Poop on everything. I mean it.

home at last

Yay!! I'm home!!!

Okay, enough exuberance. I'm almost all the way unpacked. And I've succeeded at rearranging all Steph's crap so I can have space enough for my toothbrush in the bathroom... yesss... So, it's almost safe to walk through my house, now. Apart from some illegal extension cords... a pile of stuff that has to go off to Goodwill... and my guitar in the middle of everything... yeah, there's still stuff to do.

Ahh, the simple joys of watching Zoolander for the billionth time... "I turned left!!"

What is it about being home that makes me want to fall asleep all the time? I think we have a carbon monoxide leak. Seriously... I get 11 hours of sleep two nights ago, and then 10 hours last night? And I'm still compelled to go to bed at 7PM?? What's wrong with me???

More later. Time to be a bum and watch TV. Time to get offline. Enough with the waiting.

a birthday worth remembering...

Ahh, what a Sunday it was... Thank you to all who remembered, and especially those who kidnapped me and carried me all the way down the hall to give me presents ;) tehehe... And I had a cake built for me! I didn't even notice any of the pieces of spatula in it, either :) Most importantly, though, I got to spend the day with awesome people that I have been absolutely blessed with getting to know these past 9 months.

Soon enough, I'll be home... Good, in that I get to spend time with my family... and see hills... and not smell the potato plant... But I will miss a lot of people. I guess I can't have everything, though.

Almost time to get a haircut. I'm going to try out this whole GreatClips-in-the-Union thing. I hope I don't see anyone I know walking by. :P More later on this new experience...

P.S. Thank you, April, for making me the queen of Santiago ;) You are the best!!

partial relief

Well, one big paper is done. I just hope my prof won't realize that I melded two completely different topics into one paper and didn't really successfully connect them. I'm tired of work. Bleh.

I found out that the lowest grade I'm sitting at is in Chem... an 86.3%... Pretty much impossible to get an A out of that, unless he curves it. Which he probably won't, considering he's an imbecile.

Different things are bothering me. I wish certain people could just leave me alone. And I wish that I could be home with my family. And that my birthday wasn't this weekend. C'mon, the DAY before finals? Seriously.

Time to take a nap... then I have to start on my second (and last) paper. Something about Ceropteris ferns, I believe. At least I've got that much.