heartbreaker

May this post be a tribute to the lost, the lonely, and the disillusioned. Amen.

I have not been a very great person the last... well, year and-a-half or so. I've set my priorities on becoming well-liked instead of truly liking myself. I've mistakenly convinced people that I am what they need in life, and then upon finding that out, tried to scare them away so I wouldn't have that responsibility. I pretend to be charming, and when I know that someone likes me back, I either toy with that power or get scared and avoid them.

Boys aren't the trouble. I am. And if I could just find out where I go wrong, maybe life wouldn't suck. So far that's been a failed venture, though.

What do I want out of the opposite sex? Friendship? Yes. Knowing that they care about me? That's probably true. But when that feeling becomes intermingled with the knowledge that this could turn into a relationship that I'm not ready for, everything becomes tainted.

Time to watch Labyrinth with David Bowie and Muppets. And to think about what my life is becoming.

new something

I should be sleeping or maybe even cleaning up my house after all this new year's partying. Instead, I'm kept awake by the fact that I haven't updated this thing in a few days. I shouldn't even care, but I still do it, for my own sake. I feel as if I'm letting part of me slip away, and if I don't sit back and look at what I've been doing, maybe I'll lose it forever.

A large part of it is that it's getting to be that time of break where I just want to head back and start the next semester, no matter how boring Grand Forks is. It's not like I don't enjoy being home. I just want to get going on something that actually matters, like studying, getting back to tutoring, setting up programs for res hall stuff... The more time I spend sitting here, the more I go on facebook and wonder why everyone else isn't as bored as I am. That's tough. Please, just tape a big "L" to my head and make me go to sleep.

I drove one of my good friends to a party after my own got done, so now I sit here, knowing full well he's getting drunk somewhere else. Should I feel left out? Should I want to be included in all this partying? The truth is, it's just not appealing to me any more. Maybe I'm just tired, but I'd be perfectly happy reading the rest of Fountainhead instead of going off to some party. Which is maybe what I'll do for the next hour or so... Or maybe I should just go to bed.

I'm so tired of trying to be correct.

May the New Year bring realization instead of hangovers and headaches, and personal revitalization in a time of drab crappiness. Happy 2006.

cure for boredom...

Ahhh, back to work. I woke up late today, so thank goodness I'm just volunteering still. Honestly, what is wrong with me?? I got a good amount of sleep this weekend (kind of), and all throughout yesterday, I took about three naps. And then I get about 8 hours of sleep last night, and I'm still tired today!!

I know, why don't you complain some more, Jessica. Well, psh, I'm done.

Maybe I just need to go dancing.

Well, how about running, for now. Dancing Wednesday. And... shopping probably, too :)

Everyone should ask Emily why she has a bump on her head ;)

pins and needles

My foot is numb... whenever I bump it against the desk, it feels so strange. It's like million nerves sparking to life across all of my toes, even though I'm only bumping my little toe. It's ironic... we spend millions of dollars inventing new devices and take pride in our own design achievements... but in reality, the workings of the human body are infinitely more intricate and mysterious. Small thought of the day.

I'm going to try to keep my post away from boys today... although I already sort of defeated my attempt by mentioning that. Sigh.

Tis the celebrated eve of Jesus's birth. There are other things I could say about that, but maybe I'll have time for philosophising later. We'll see.

I'm tired from staying up until 3:30am... Good fondue party, though :) More on that later.

resolution

Today is one of those days that just makes you happy that you've given it a chance to happen. I found out my grades on Campus Connection, and an even split between A's and B's is something that I wasn't expecting to happen... very satisfied, to say the least. If you would've asked me last year if I would be satisfied with those grades, you would have gotten a much different story. Then again, I had no idea what sophomore year would be like... A B in OChem! And an A in Differential Equations?? Yay for surprises.

Work has also been pretty difficult, but today was fun. We cleaned out the mini-pharmacy in back, and then at about 10:15, five guys and a whole family came in. I failed miserably at taking blood pressures, but I'm getting better at the other vital stuff. If only my Spanish would kick in!! It will come eventually, I guess, but it's so hard to be at loss for words when you're trying to communicate to a patient.

This song seems to apply right now, since it's REALLY warm out today, among other factors that qualify the significance of it all.

And then last night i had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where concerns about the world getting warmer
The people thought they were just being rewarded

For treating others as they like to be treated
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases
For mailing letters with the address of the sender

Now we can swim any day in november

100

Started work at the Migrant Health Clinic today, and it was absolutely incredible. We'll see how I feel about it a week from now ;) but for now, I'm totally psyched to be going back tomorrow morning. More on that later, I guess, as I'd rather talk about something else.

Here I am, 99 posts from where this all began some 15 months ago. What is so important about a number, a collection of lines written on a page to record some quantity, some significance that may have been lost so many times before, like the repeating of a Telephone conversation down a line of unattentive, reckless, dangerously ignorant children. What does it all matter? It's a number. Just a facade of something, really. What does it matter, when I say the number 100? I could be talking about the number of schoolchildren killed when a Nigerian jetliner crashed Saturday night (Dec. 10) during a lightning storm. Or the number of people (many children, as well) that drowned after a ferry capsized near Dhaka, Bangladesh in spring 2003. Or I could be talking about the amount of money it would take to buy a salt and pepper set I saw at a store in the Galleria today. Or the number of loaves of bread and jugs of water that exact amount would buy a village in Sierra Leone.

Ridiculous, this thing called vanity. Why should I be priding myself on having written 100 of these meaningless things, when I could have donated what it takes to provide this internet connection, this laptop, this excessive comfort of which we are so accustomed. I sit here crying, not because I am feeling the horror and pain in which others live day to day, nor that I understand what the hungry, homeless and unsheltered go through. The greatest affliction is in knowing that some continue to overconsume and continue to expect that the world will keep providing for them the way in which they have been taught that they "deserve." This is the greatest threat to civilization: ungratefulness.

Of those that have been given great things, great things will be expected. So get ready.

relief is spelled H-O-M-E

So, back again. I've been out and about with friends for two nights before I thought to update this thing; I don't know what the matter's with me. I woke up at 7:30 for 8:30 church service today. Then after lunch, I proceeded to take a two hour nap.... ohhh, it was beautiful. Cooking, sleeping, watching TV and movies, wasting time on Facebook...........

Thank goodness I still have to go out and get presents for family and friends, so I won't be too bored out of my mind. And... for any of you interested in celebrating Christmas cheer with some friends on Friday, we should have a fondue party! Cheesy Christmas sweaters, bread and cheese, chocolate plus any fruit/cookie imaginable/palatable... more on this later.

What has everyone else been doing? April?? Do you still exist? Madelyn, have you been having fun selling women's panties to transvestites? Well, I guess anyone that's reading this right now probably is bored out of his/her mind and has nothing interesting to share (haha, just kidding...) But seriously. (That was for Jordan, although he never reads this (; )

the sarcolemma of it all

Now that OChem is over I can worry about other things... like Anatomy! And updating my blog! And DiffEQ after I take my Anatomy final tomorrow! Oh, my heart just can't take the anticipation any more.

On to more studying, but here's one final thought...

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Collide - Howie Day

ekk...

Okay, I'm ready to step outside the molecular world for now. Organic lab final tomorrow, and then Organic lecture final on Wednesday. My brain hurts. I've been reviewing pages and pages of just reactions for the past two hours. Now I should actually start doing the tests, since they always end up being a hell of a lot more difficult than the homework.

Here I go...

reflections on religion

I've always considered myself a Christian person. Up until this last year, I prayed before bed almost every night of my life. I started helping out with Sunday School when I was a freshman in high school, helping the pre-schoolers and kindergarteners with art projects, reading books, and helping them learn more about Jesus. When I was a junior, I helped out one of the adults at our church every week with the second and third graders. The next year, I taught fifth-graders with my little sis (oh man, what a crazy bunch!!)...

So, why is it that I feel contantly driven away from faith? Every time I see people dressed in long dresses or suits with flyers, I walk the other way in fear that they're going to stare at me in disgust as I refuse their offers for salvation and God's glory.

Maybe it also has to do with the fact that the Newman Center on campus is constantly pushing their events and beliefs into the souls of students.

It just makes me sad that the more I am surrounded by religion up here, the less I appreciate God's influence in my life. God doesn't live in these organizations for me. All that FOCUS, CRU, and every other flyer-pushing organization on campus represent to me is that everyone has an agenda and that no one takes the time to learn about what YOU're all about.

I don't really need anyone to tell me how wonderful God is. All I need is to get away from this place from awhile and realize what life and spirituality is all about.

a small comment

BOYS ARE DUMB.

That's all I have to say.

green gets ugly

This is completely outside of my normal once-a-week blogging activity... maybe that's a bad sign... but I just can't concentrate right now. This will at least keep me in my room, instead of walking around and starting conversations that will last two hours or more... not that that's a bad thing either, it's just that I've been getting to bed really late because of it, and not getting enough studying in. College would be better without classes. True that.

Talking about things that would be better... life has been better as of the last dozen or so hours. We decided to move the talent show back to next semester, which takes a huge load off my shoulders for the next couple days. Karate belt test was moved back to next Saturday, so I've got more time to order belts for everyone... although I really need to get on that soon. Group work for Anatomy is now due in a week instead of this Thursday. And the Future of Honors discussion went really well (at least, that was my impression)! Yeah, life is better.

But why is my head still whirling with endless thoughts? I guess school isn't everything that's on my mind.

Still listening to "The General"... I wish someone would tell me that I could get away from it all, just walk away, that I wasn't being held to others' (haha, or my own) expectations... sometimes we just need to be forgiven. It's hard enough to forgive yourself, though.

And boys are trouble.

like a child

So Thanksgiving has come and gone. My head hurts from studying OChem three days straight, and then getting stuck in near-death driving conditions on the 8 (normally 6) hour ride back... Why did I come back? Oh yeah, class... bleh. I could barely stay awake in my classes... I tell you, I could have sworn that we were going to have our first snow day in about 7 years today, but the snow wasn't falling hard enough, I guess. Wind speed was about 40 mph, but I guess that doesn't matter D:

It was definitely good to be back, enjoying the Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast, shoveling with my papa, watching my parents and aunt and uncle get tipsy on wine at Thanksgiving ;), hanging out with Emily, spending way too much on shopping, having Grandma Kaye ask me every five minutes what I would want for Christmas, seeing people at church... The sermon was really great. It was one of those moments that you don't really look for God to speak to you, but somehow He really gets through... It was a comparison between how our parents wait for us to come back from college... they'll go on with their everyday stuff, but every once in awhile, they'll ask each other, "Hey, I wonder what Jessica's doing right now..." (pause) And, honestly, I almost started crying right there. It's sometimes just really hard to believe that God can care about every person in the world as much as two amazing parents care about their two daughters... I've been realizing it more as life goes on that my parents are the best I could have ever wished for. We really don't realize how freaking hard it must be to simply be "a parent." I'm concerned even now, thinking about how I could ever raise a child, especially in such a place that this world is becoming...

With crap television like Laguna Beach and My Super Sweet Sixteen, tween t-shirts emblazoned with "Princess," "Bow Down To Me," "Diva," or other ridiculously vain and unwarranted saying, it's no wonder that kids are starting to expect such things as a NEW car on their sixteenth, an iPod for A's in sixth grade math, expensive sneakers so they can impress their friends.... and they think that they "deserve" it. Who deserves jack crap in this world? Can they NOT see that about 80% of the world cannot even afford the meal that they get handed to them every day? Can they not understand that getting ANY sort of car at all is a big deal?? I got a '94 Cavalier for my high school days, and I went without a car my first year of college. And you know what, I feel totally privileged, and I probably don't deserve the Corolla I have right now. So why should kids who haven't even passed their driver's permit tests be given brand new Mercedes?? It would be interesting to figure out how many years someone in Honduras would have to work to get the same quality of life that we would spend on one year of living... Sometimes this world makes me sick. And then you see people trampling others on the dawn of the day after Thanksgiving; under the disguise of getting "gifts" for family and friends, they cut off cars on their way into the super malls, grab as many of whatever cheap crap is on sale as they can, and budge into line without a care for anyone else... Whoever came up with the idea that we should celebrate our thanks for what we have by buying shit loads of more crap that we don't need is utterly sick in the head... and probably a dirty pirate hooker...

there was a decorated general with
a heart of gold, that likened him to
all the stories he told
of past battles, won and lost,
and legends of old a seasoned veteran in
his own time
on the battlefield, he gained
respectable fame with many medals
of bravery and stripes to his name
he grew a beard as soon as he could
to cover the scars on his face
and always urged his men on
but on the eve of a great battle
with the infantry in dream
the old general tossed in his sleep
and wrestled with its meaning
he awoke from the night
to tell what he had seen
and walked slowly out of his tent
all the men held tall with their
chests in the air, with courage in
their blood and a fire in their stare
it was a gray morning and they all
wondered how they would fare
till the old general told them to go home
He said

I have seen the others
and I have discovered
that this fight is not worth fighting

and I've seen their mothers
and I will no other
to follow me where I'm going

So, take a shower and shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
take a shower and shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
go now you are forgiven

but the men stood fast with their
guns on their shoulders not knowing
what to do with the contradicting orders
the general said he would do his own
duty but he would extend it no further
the men could go as they pleased

not a man moved, their eyes gazed
straight ahead till one by one they
stepped back and not a word was said
and the old general was left with his
own words echoing in his head
he then prepared to fight

"The General" Dispatch

the dark side of break

Thanksgiving break is wonderful, don't get me wrong. It's just that every time I've tried to fall asleep in my own bed, I keep getting these awful nightmares. It's like now that I actually have a chance to look at all my academic worries from the semester without trying to remember everything extracurricular that I have going on, my brain is relishing every contortion of how I could fail my classes this semester (yeah, I think that was a run-on sentence, but I don't really care. Read it again if you don't understand). Last night I don't know how many nightmares I had on forgetting assignments, big projects, tests, etc...

Then again, I've had nightmares at home since I started sleeping in that room about 12 years ago! I still remember waking up when I was a kid and running up to my sister's and mom and dad's room, just so I would know that they weren't being murdered by some serial killer. I just always had this impression as a kid that if something happened to me, they wouldn't know that anything was happening til it was too late. Carbon monoxide poisoning was frequently in my nightmares... I also had nightmares that a witch lived under my room and could pull me down into her lair by lowering my bed...

Anyways, now that you know that I'm schizophrenic :) It's snowing outside! And food yesterday was AWESOME... my auntie Sue made a cross between pumpkin and pecan pie that was absolutely delicious, Jimmy made his excellent bread, I peeled some potatoes (haha, that was my contribution), my mom made some superb cherry-and-golden-raisin stuffing and gravy, dad brined and cooked the turkey rotisserie-style over the grill... yum...

So I definitely did some Pilates today :) I think I'll start doing that, because I am such a noodle right now. I need to get stronger (so I can throw more guys over my back in karate, haha). Time for a shower, but maybe more later... after I get some OChem studying in, which will perhaps appease these nightmare demons in my mind...

giving thanks

It will be good to be home... it's just hard to think that I'll be driving 6 hours there only to drive 6 more hours a few days later to get back. Plus, after Thanksgiving, it's basically a rat race of studying, events, and other crap. Discussion on the Future of Honors is Tuesday, Anatomy group work is due Thursday (as is the JFS Talent Show), Anatomy extra credit project is due Friday, Saturday is the Karate Formal (which I'll have to sell tickets for on both Wednesday and Friday), and Sunday is the Johnstone/Fulton/Smith/Swanson Dodgeball Tourney... God help me. So, I really should get some studying done over Thanksgiving, as sad as that sounds.

What else... SmartEnforcer is fed up with my lack of an anti-virus system. It's tried to keep me off the system two different times, and I was actually in the process of trying to renew over the phone just awhile ago, but thankfully I got tired of the on-hold music and succeeded at logging in (after about 8 tries or so).

Well, I should go to karate tonight, since I haven't done that in awhile. Maybe I can get my pent-up aggressions out on the punching bag after self-defense.

Good things about going home:
- Canned cranberry sauce
- Good homemade food
- Mom, Dad, and other family
- rest
- No extra homework, besides the stuff I already have

Bad things:
- Hella-long drive
- the price of gas
- Realizing there is such a thing as good food and the resulting dread of going back to eat at the dining centers on Monday
- most likely not getting the chance to get much work done at all
- etc.

informally yours

Thank you for the advice, everyone. I'm going to try to be less hard on myself... but it's kind of hard, especially realizing that I only have a couple more weeks until finals (?!!?! yeah, just typing that out made me freak out a little).

Last night was the Honors Formal, and it was most definitely the most fun I've ever had at any dance... I'm stealing April's words a little here, but it seems that as you get older, you lose those thoughts of "What if people are watching me and judging me based on how I'm dancing??" and just learn to not care. So, basically, that's what I did ;) I'm not the best dancer, but at least I can accept it and move on... and it's a good thing I had some pretty awesome dance partners *wink*

Sadly, the only thing I have pictures from is the truck stop we went to after the dance... and, well, they aren't the kind of pictures that can be appreciated by a mass group of people. More pics to come from the dance... :)

Tonight will be hall gov, studying for that dang DiffEQ test that will be tomorrow, and other poop.

when the balance breaks

So, maybe Emily's life and mine are somewhat mirrors in a way... sometimes inverted, but whatever happens is always related... Umm, so I better just say it. I flat out failed my first college test. 55% for my second Spanish Comp exam. It's not like it was a slack test, and I studied really hard for it, too. It was one of those cases that I thought I knew the stuff, but missed an integral part, like accounting for multiplicity of indirect objects in verb conjugation. A wide variety of four-letter have passed through my lips, but I'm going to censor them for now. Of course, it's not only that. Whenever something goes bad, I have to reflect on all the other areas of life that I'm failing at. Like still being behind in my classes. Or having too much to think about in terms of karate, hall gov, NRHH, APO, and that damn karate formal that has been eating away my brain (that, in a couple weeks, I'll be making all of you go to... it's not like it's not going to be fun for you, I promise that, it's just that it's hell trying to organize it). Decided to drop EL, going to Golden Key mtgs (not that I ever started that), and NSCS.

Sorry for my profanity, but in general, I keep this blog pretty clean. Right now I have no where to go and scream. This is my opportunity.

Here's a song that's been somehow stuck in my head...

son's gonna rise in a mile
in a mile you'll be feelin fine
in a mile you'll see
after me
you'll be out of the dark
you'll get your shot

- Citizen Cope

thirteen degrees

Sounds like a good name for a band, eh? No... not really... that's actually what the temperature was outside in Grand Forks today, sadly. Not to mention the windchill. Brrr...

Honors Formal this weekend! I may be a little over-excited for it, but it's going to be a blast. C'mon, spinach dip, cheese and fruit, and chocolate-covered strawberries for hors' deuvres? Yeah, totally sweet. Maybe even orgasmic. But I'm not going to say it.

Check Facebook tomorrow (Thursday) for a beautiful ad for the Formal made by yours truly. I'll consider it my $13 donation to the Honors Program... or it would be anyways, because we are still trying to get reimbursements for the halloween party.

Tomorrow is going to be... stressful, to say the least. At 7:50am, I have to set up for BST (Building Service Technician, aka janitor) Appreciation brunch, then Anatomy at 9:30... go to the first half hour of Spanish, then run off to deliver cookies to the BST breakrooms, work from 3-4pm, at 7pm there's an NRHH meeting, Ballroom dance lessons in the J/F Lounge at 8pm, and then Moonlight Pizza at the Dining Centers starting at 10! Yeah, and certain people are copping out on dancing because they have a whole "four classes" ;) Nah, I know that I ask for this much involvement. I'm not complaining.

So, life is busy, but incredibly fulfilling at the same time. It's good. And I've really been enjoying the early morning weekends... I've started realizing how much time I waste on weekends if I end up sleeping in until breakfast. Yay for morning math. And I'm almost caught up! Sweet.

Okay, time to stop this nonsense. More later.

lost in translation

Too many languages. Whenever I go between my OChem, Anatomy, and Spanish classes, it's like I have to switch my brain to translate everything differently... not to mention what happens when I start work at the MLC on Fridays... aahhh!! Well, I didn't work today, so my brain isn't in too much pain right now. Yay for that.

Tonight we're celebrating Russell-kins birthday... maybe a cake will be made. And games involving ping pong balls?? Well, I don't know what that could possibly be.

Things new:
- 0.7 days worth of music in my iTunes
- Knowing what classes I'm taking next semester
- ...yet utter confusion in every other area of my life
- A hole in the Smith basement wall, owing to the amazing ideas of Smith hall gov ;)
- No JFS Dodgeball tourney, since not enough people signed up
- Having any homework done at all in DiffEq (and almost half of it done, at that)
- MACURH pictures
- resolved friendships, new friendships, disturbing dreams about past relationships
- hair color (as of a couple weekends ago, I just never posted about it)

"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." Ben Stein

brain owie

I'm too tired to post right now. My brain hurts from studying for 5 1/2 hours... my hand hurts from writing 6 chapters' worth of anatomy notes... and I can't really think of anything else to complain about. I had a wonderful shower, so that's a good thing. And I have a razor now, thanks to my wonderful roomie :) Umm...

Yep, that's all for now. Maybe after my test tomorrow, I'll have a clear enough mind to talk about last weekend's awesomeness.