here, now, finally

Nothing too much to report today... I'll be taking my first OChem II test in exactly a week, which is kind of scary. I still don't understand anything in my Spanish workbook, but that's not anything new. I'm getting headaches from working in the Math Learning Center for prolonged periods of time, as it's hard enough for me to remember stuff we did last semester in DiffEQ, much less the stuff I did years ago in Calculus, or the stuff that the College Alg kids are working on now. I haven't been getting enough sleep, but that's my own fault. I got my last school book in the mail today, which makes me happy.

Come to think of it... there's a lot I'm happy about...

New favorite music:
Kings of Convenience - Mom and Dad, check it out... think Simon and Garfunkel, revamped... plus, one of the guys looks like Dad when he was groovin' back in the 70's ;)
Sondre Lerche

Not-so-new, but still favorites:
Aqualung
Better Than Ezra
Duncan Sheik

hollow

Nothing fits today. My personality, friends, thoughts, mood... nothing at all. Not even the music, which I've come to depend on so deeply throughout these college times. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think to say... I just feel kind of empty, I guess.

I should be doing homework. I could be sending out e-mails to get a job this summer. I have to go to karate in a couple of hours, or I'll be disappointed in myself. I need to snap out of this mood.

Down came the sky
And all you did was blink
I would cry like I never do
In order to stay true
But everybody has their own opinion on such
They're all much alike alike alike
One hundred of a million is worth penning dead down
So why am I writing to the moon?

current music: Sondre Lerche - Track You Down

chill out

Time has been going by way too fast as of late.

I wish I could find a way to slow it down... but...

Truth be told, I haven't been helping it much.

I don't feel like saying more.

is there a God?
why is he waiting?
don't you think of it odd
when he knows my address?
and look at the stars
don't it remind you just how feeble we are?
...well it used to, I guess

'cause ever since I tried
trying not to find
every little meaning in my life
it's been fine
i've been cool
with my new golden rule

New Deep - John Mayer

foot-in-mouth disease

Some days I need to remind myself to just shut my mouth and refrain from saying the things that run through my mind. I was in the crabbiest mood for some reason at breakfast today. I don't know what the deal is. Most days I can totally control myself. I can go a whole day enduring petty criticisms, and then on a day where I have absolutely nothing to complain about, I flip and do something that hurts my best friends' feelings.

Honestly, there's nothing for me to bitch about. It's a Saturday morning, maybe the food isn't that great, but the sun is shining, my hair is clean, I don't have that much homework for the weekend, and last night was great (although we stayed up until 3:30...). I had all this going for me, but when I was criticized at breakfast, I reverted back to animal instincts of fight or flight... HONESTLY! What the hell is wrong with me?? Diarrhea of the mouth strikes again. Too bad I don't have Tourette's to blame it on. J/K.

We'll see how this day turns out...

welcome to existence

I don't know how to start this one. A lot has happened the last couple days (and a lot hasn't happened... in other areas) so I'm not sure where I am right now. I don't know what I'm looking for.

All I know is that I'm ready for the weekend.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

Dare you to move
Dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
Dare you to move
Dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Dare you to move - Switchfoot

surprise

I woke up this morning to amazing rays of sunshine streaming through my window... and I recognized that this day is the start of something new in my life. A new age, a revitalized period, I don't know what to call it, but it's new, and I like it.

Have you ever been so changed by a single thing that you begin to evaluate aspects of your own life from that new perspective?

Read "Fountainhead," and if it doesn't change your life, then my entire theory will be ruined, and it must just have affected me because I'm weak-minded. But I don't think that's the case.

However, I don't think my previous statement was founded entirely by reading "Fountainhead." And, here I go...

What kind of person would I be had I not decided out of the blue to attend Friedell my sixth grade year of middle school? This decision put me into a totally new environment for the beginning of my middle school experience. What if I would have stuck with the status-quo decision of going straight to Kellogg? What friends would I have made, would Danny have seen me as the same "intriguing new girl" if I would have been there in 6th instead of coming in 7th grade, would my friends have been different if I started off with the group I knew from elementary school? Here's only one decision I made in my life, and not even a very important one (at least, so it seemed at the time).

What about when I decided to go to this college?

What if Dave and Ryan hadn't gotten stuck in a snow bank last night, and I didn't ride back with them to campus...?

Hmm... we'll see.

you can dance (if you want to)

Ahh, the joys of being ridiculous... and having the free time to enjoy it...

I sit here, watching Russian ice skating as it nears midnight. It was a productive day, though... four hours of tutoring, shopping for groceries and sticky tape at Target, and dancing with April and Madelyn while we decided on a playlist for tomorrow's par-tay... so, maybe that half a box of nilla wafers was needed, after all that exertion ;) A girl can dream... But as April reminds me, women need that fat layer around their hips for baby-stuff... not that I'm planning to be ready for that any time in the next 8-20 years (hahahah... wonderful).

Nothing really important to share yet. Three of my four profs are women, which is pretty awesome. I still can't find my bike. That's not so awesome. Umm... and I'm tired. And I eat too much. Maybe I shouldn't have bought groceries... blehhhghghgh...

Something more interesting to come, I promise.

spring into the semester

Back in Grand Forks, and oh, it smells even more awful than how I remembered it :) Regardless... it's good to be back.

I should be sleeping.

BTW, I'm probably going to be the first one awake in my entire building tomorrow, as I have to go to Math Learning Center training at 9am. Blahhh.

Okay, pitiful post, but here I go to get ready for bed.

compulsion

I need to stop checking facebook every hour. Seriously. I'm beginning to scare even myself.

Bored, bored bored bored bored. And I'm getting a headache. Complain, complain complain complain.

This post is really going nowhere.

I'm getting the feeling that maybe I should stop meeting people. No, I guess not that. But that I should stop getting close to people. It seems that every time I meet someone that I actually connect with, I lose a part of myself. Hear me out.

Throughout this year, I've met a lot of awesome people. And it's amazing getting to know them. But then you go away on vacation, or you don't see them in awhile, and you start to miss them. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate the friends that make time for me. It's just that every friend I've lost touch with is a reminder of a part of my life wasted... and still, that's not a good way to put it. I'd be fine with missing them, as it's a perfectly normal emotion. I just need to learn to appreciate boredom... being by myself... and enjoying it all without going utterly insane.

heartbreaker

May this post be a tribute to the lost, the lonely, and the disillusioned. Amen.

I have not been a very great person the last... well, year and-a-half or so. I've set my priorities on becoming well-liked instead of truly liking myself. I've mistakenly convinced people that I am what they need in life, and then upon finding that out, tried to scare them away so I wouldn't have that responsibility. I pretend to be charming, and when I know that someone likes me back, I either toy with that power or get scared and avoid them.

Boys aren't the trouble. I am. And if I could just find out where I go wrong, maybe life wouldn't suck. So far that's been a failed venture, though.

What do I want out of the opposite sex? Friendship? Yes. Knowing that they care about me? That's probably true. But when that feeling becomes intermingled with the knowledge that this could turn into a relationship that I'm not ready for, everything becomes tainted.

Time to watch Labyrinth with David Bowie and Muppets. And to think about what my life is becoming.

new something

I should be sleeping or maybe even cleaning up my house after all this new year's partying. Instead, I'm kept awake by the fact that I haven't updated this thing in a few days. I shouldn't even care, but I still do it, for my own sake. I feel as if I'm letting part of me slip away, and if I don't sit back and look at what I've been doing, maybe I'll lose it forever.

A large part of it is that it's getting to be that time of break where I just want to head back and start the next semester, no matter how boring Grand Forks is. It's not like I don't enjoy being home. I just want to get going on something that actually matters, like studying, getting back to tutoring, setting up programs for res hall stuff... The more time I spend sitting here, the more I go on facebook and wonder why everyone else isn't as bored as I am. That's tough. Please, just tape a big "L" to my head and make me go to sleep.

I drove one of my good friends to a party after my own got done, so now I sit here, knowing full well he's getting drunk somewhere else. Should I feel left out? Should I want to be included in all this partying? The truth is, it's just not appealing to me any more. Maybe I'm just tired, but I'd be perfectly happy reading the rest of Fountainhead instead of going off to some party. Which is maybe what I'll do for the next hour or so... Or maybe I should just go to bed.

I'm so tired of trying to be correct.

May the New Year bring realization instead of hangovers and headaches, and personal revitalization in a time of drab crappiness. Happy 2006.

cure for boredom...

Ahhh, back to work. I woke up late today, so thank goodness I'm just volunteering still. Honestly, what is wrong with me?? I got a good amount of sleep this weekend (kind of), and all throughout yesterday, I took about three naps. And then I get about 8 hours of sleep last night, and I'm still tired today!!

I know, why don't you complain some more, Jessica. Well, psh, I'm done.

Maybe I just need to go dancing.

Well, how about running, for now. Dancing Wednesday. And... shopping probably, too :)

Everyone should ask Emily why she has a bump on her head ;)

pins and needles

My foot is numb... whenever I bump it against the desk, it feels so strange. It's like million nerves sparking to life across all of my toes, even though I'm only bumping my little toe. It's ironic... we spend millions of dollars inventing new devices and take pride in our own design achievements... but in reality, the workings of the human body are infinitely more intricate and mysterious. Small thought of the day.

I'm going to try to keep my post away from boys today... although I already sort of defeated my attempt by mentioning that. Sigh.

Tis the celebrated eve of Jesus's birth. There are other things I could say about that, but maybe I'll have time for philosophising later. We'll see.

I'm tired from staying up until 3:30am... Good fondue party, though :) More on that later.

resolution

Today is one of those days that just makes you happy that you've given it a chance to happen. I found out my grades on Campus Connection, and an even split between A's and B's is something that I wasn't expecting to happen... very satisfied, to say the least. If you would've asked me last year if I would be satisfied with those grades, you would have gotten a much different story. Then again, I had no idea what sophomore year would be like... A B in OChem! And an A in Differential Equations?? Yay for surprises.

Work has also been pretty difficult, but today was fun. We cleaned out the mini-pharmacy in back, and then at about 10:15, five guys and a whole family came in. I failed miserably at taking blood pressures, but I'm getting better at the other vital stuff. If only my Spanish would kick in!! It will come eventually, I guess, but it's so hard to be at loss for words when you're trying to communicate to a patient.

This song seems to apply right now, since it's REALLY warm out today, among other factors that qualify the significance of it all.

And then last night i had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where concerns about the world getting warmer
The people thought they were just being rewarded

For treating others as they like to be treated
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases
For mailing letters with the address of the sender

Now we can swim any day in november

100

Started work at the Migrant Health Clinic today, and it was absolutely incredible. We'll see how I feel about it a week from now ;) but for now, I'm totally psyched to be going back tomorrow morning. More on that later, I guess, as I'd rather talk about something else.

Here I am, 99 posts from where this all began some 15 months ago. What is so important about a number, a collection of lines written on a page to record some quantity, some significance that may have been lost so many times before, like the repeating of a Telephone conversation down a line of unattentive, reckless, dangerously ignorant children. What does it all matter? It's a number. Just a facade of something, really. What does it matter, when I say the number 100? I could be talking about the number of schoolchildren killed when a Nigerian jetliner crashed Saturday night (Dec. 10) during a lightning storm. Or the number of people (many children, as well) that drowned after a ferry capsized near Dhaka, Bangladesh in spring 2003. Or I could be talking about the amount of money it would take to buy a salt and pepper set I saw at a store in the Galleria today. Or the number of loaves of bread and jugs of water that exact amount would buy a village in Sierra Leone.

Ridiculous, this thing called vanity. Why should I be priding myself on having written 100 of these meaningless things, when I could have donated what it takes to provide this internet connection, this laptop, this excessive comfort of which we are so accustomed. I sit here crying, not because I am feeling the horror and pain in which others live day to day, nor that I understand what the hungry, homeless and unsheltered go through. The greatest affliction is in knowing that some continue to overconsume and continue to expect that the world will keep providing for them the way in which they have been taught that they "deserve." This is the greatest threat to civilization: ungratefulness.

Of those that have been given great things, great things will be expected. So get ready.

relief is spelled H-O-M-E

So, back again. I've been out and about with friends for two nights before I thought to update this thing; I don't know what the matter's with me. I woke up at 7:30 for 8:30 church service today. Then after lunch, I proceeded to take a two hour nap.... ohhh, it was beautiful. Cooking, sleeping, watching TV and movies, wasting time on Facebook...........

Thank goodness I still have to go out and get presents for family and friends, so I won't be too bored out of my mind. And... for any of you interested in celebrating Christmas cheer with some friends on Friday, we should have a fondue party! Cheesy Christmas sweaters, bread and cheese, chocolate plus any fruit/cookie imaginable/palatable... more on this later.

What has everyone else been doing? April?? Do you still exist? Madelyn, have you been having fun selling women's panties to transvestites? Well, I guess anyone that's reading this right now probably is bored out of his/her mind and has nothing interesting to share (haha, just kidding...) But seriously. (That was for Jordan, although he never reads this (; )

the sarcolemma of it all

Now that OChem is over I can worry about other things... like Anatomy! And updating my blog! And DiffEQ after I take my Anatomy final tomorrow! Oh, my heart just can't take the anticipation any more.

On to more studying, but here's one final thought...

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Collide - Howie Day

ekk...

Okay, I'm ready to step outside the molecular world for now. Organic lab final tomorrow, and then Organic lecture final on Wednesday. My brain hurts. I've been reviewing pages and pages of just reactions for the past two hours. Now I should actually start doing the tests, since they always end up being a hell of a lot more difficult than the homework.

Here I go...

reflections on religion

I've always considered myself a Christian person. Up until this last year, I prayed before bed almost every night of my life. I started helping out with Sunday School when I was a freshman in high school, helping the pre-schoolers and kindergarteners with art projects, reading books, and helping them learn more about Jesus. When I was a junior, I helped out one of the adults at our church every week with the second and third graders. The next year, I taught fifth-graders with my little sis (oh man, what a crazy bunch!!)...

So, why is it that I feel contantly driven away from faith? Every time I see people dressed in long dresses or suits with flyers, I walk the other way in fear that they're going to stare at me in disgust as I refuse their offers for salvation and God's glory.

Maybe it also has to do with the fact that the Newman Center on campus is constantly pushing their events and beliefs into the souls of students.

It just makes me sad that the more I am surrounded by religion up here, the less I appreciate God's influence in my life. God doesn't live in these organizations for me. All that FOCUS, CRU, and every other flyer-pushing organization on campus represent to me is that everyone has an agenda and that no one takes the time to learn about what YOU're all about.

I don't really need anyone to tell me how wonderful God is. All I need is to get away from this place from awhile and realize what life and spirituality is all about.

a small comment

BOYS ARE DUMB.

That's all I have to say.