i hate sundays in grand forks

Seriously, there is not a single thing open before noon in this place. The city leaders of the area can rest in the comfort of knowing that all the good girls and boys of UND are encouraged to go to church with this legislation, but in the meantime, my stomach is eating itself.

I guess things could be worse, though.

I realized that I've tripped over the same crack in the sidewalk on all of my walks/runs over to Bek Fitness. Right in front of Univ. Ave. I'm cool.

Today I'm actually going to get down to some serious studying. It's going to be awesome.

What I'm hoping for this week:
Good workouts and the ability to perform my best... and maybe getting to go along to the Griak?
No more twisted ankles. It still kind of hurts from last week.
Getting to know myself and my friends better each day.
Being able to understand what's going on in my Neuro class.
Being able to stay awake through the meaningless crap of Genetics (well, at least that's what it seems like so far).
Having the opportunity to just sit down and read for fun sometime.

The hunger pains are getting to me. I better stop writing, otherwise you might get the idea that I'm pissed off all the time. It's just the (lack of) food speaking; I'm actually in a really good mood besides that. More later :)

significant

Life has been good.

Apart from the fact that I accidentally erased all the music from my iPod when I connected it with the new laptop... and the fact that I can't get my old comp to stay alive for long enough to download my music library back onto the iPod. Damn technology. I should have never let myself grow dependent on it.

Oh, but it's such a good addiction.

More updates later. Breakfast now.

more than just whelmed

Gross, I just sneezed on myself. I'm probably getting sick. It's not a surprise. Sharing food at dinner, working out like crazy, running under the heat of the midday sun, not drinking enough water, eating loads of crappy food all day long as I try to appease this hunger... at least I'm getting enough sleep.

Mmm, hunger. It's such a good word to describe everything that's been going on. What am I missing in my life? God? Satisfaction? My family? Maybe all that. But I feel like I've been trying to fill that empty space with a whole lot of stuff that I'm maybe not intending to.

I want to be on the team. I want to practice, run, have fun with the team, all that stuff. Do I want to compete, though? Am I ready for the sacrifices I'll have to take to be up there with the rest of the team?

I went shopping again, like I did last week... it's expensive being single. You actually have to worry about what you look like ;) Not that I really do much about it anyway. But, yes, it was fun spending about $100 on new running clothes (more than I can say about the $91 I spent on a USED Lin Alg textbook).

The new laptop is fantastic. I can probably even sleep while it's still on and running. And it's shiny :)

Well, that's enough of an update for now. Keep your head on your shoulders, and try looking for mine if you get the chance.

prayer

God, give me the strength to run my heart out,

Give me courage to stand up for what I believe in,

Give me foresight to choose my words carefully, so that I don't end up looking like a dumb-ass when I say something I shouldn't have,

Empower me with the will to accomplish my goals,

And teach me to enjoy every moment of this life, even through times where I fail at every one of these things.

to be written

Just as the title says.

the single life

So it's officially over.

My heart feels a lot like my body looks right now, except the scratches, bruises, and burns are the result of acting like a kid with all of these opening weekend events. The heart is a different story.

I'm going to try to be a lot more realistic this year. No more wishing for perfect endings or perfect beginnings. Taking time to realize when I'm asking too much of others. And letting go... allowing my self expectations to come to a more realistic level as well.

I'm tired.



I'm so damn tired.


I would talk about my frustrations with HOT stuff, but I frankly don't care anymore.

I think I've stopped crying, but there's no way of knowing for sure. I mean... seriously. I lost it in the middle of calling a friend for help with tomorrow's Honors stuff.

Moral of the story: I need something, someone, somewhere that will be constant in my life. Somehow though, I know that I better not find it any time soon.

Welcome to the single life. May it be a change from all that has been before.

disconnected phone

Tears in my eyes, but I'm not crying. I'm kind of feeling depressed, but I'm not that sad. Amazing how a conversation can bring things flying in front of your face.

My two best friends at college are both having a wonderful time with the dating world. I'm the one without a clue.

I'm pushy, unyielding, and assumptive. I'm fully half at fault for this falling-out. I know that.

I wish there was more, so much more...

Where did the time go/When everything was simple and free/I wanna know what happened/somebody woke me before I could have my American dream
BTE

whoa nelly

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written. What has happened in the meantime...?

Life is feeling, well, different as of late.

And I don't know how to explain it. I like it, though. It feels like I'm in control. But am I? Here I am, sitting with my laptop at 2:17 in the morning, when maybe I should be getting some sleep for once. Thursday night, I get a little over 2 hours of sleep. Yesterday, I stay up until... 3? Or something like that. So I guess I'm still good to go for another hour, for continuity's sake.

Okay, so how has my life changed in the past few weeks? I guess I feel a lot more open to change. To coping with emergency. To meeting random people, having a blast, and then throwing it out of my mind because I'll never see them again. Or at least, for a very long time.

But I don't want to have to do that. I wish I could see my Canadian relatives more than once every 5 years. I wish I could make lasting relationships that hold true through distance and time. But it never really works out.

...

Oh, by the way, my cousin Aaron has a book out right now (he did all the illustrations!!) and it's called "Impatient Pamela Learns About Germs." Exciting!! Buy it, and you can tell everyone you know the illustrator's cousin ;)

Time to go to bed. Hasta la vista (que espero que seria pronto), y mi amor.

no te preocupes

It's been a long.... long week. I'm not in the mood to go in depth on it.

Maybe I'm listening to too much music; too much philosophy getting drilled into my head via catchy melodies while I spend hours in the culture room changing media or counting cells in the hemocytometer. Good stuff.

I found out that I had completely forgotten about a dentist appointment this morning, and I completely broke down crying for no real reason.

It's just that kind of week.

Maybe I'm crazy,
Maybe you're crazy,
Maybe we're crazy,
Probably.
- Gnarls Barkley

just plain

It's been a long week. And it's only Tuesday. Not good.

Life is busy, and I haven't been paying attention to this thing as I should, well, neither have I been paying attention to myself. What have you been paying attention to, girl? I don't know, maybe this stupid 6-credit class I'm paying out of the ass for, full time researching at Mayo... as well as trying to find somewhere where I fit in. All in all, I'm just plain tired of it. Tired of...

Coming in to work and finding that my results are totally worthless, because some element of my experiment design is wrong or is based on an incorrect assumption...

Being the outsider.

Trying to stay awake for a four-hour-long class after working for 8 hours, taking notes on stuff I probably already know...

Not being jock enough, and then being considered not enough of a girl.

Waking up every morning at 6:30.

Wanting something more out of life, but never quite reaching it.

Missing my friends abroad...

And... having my brain short out late at night. Time to end this message, I guess. Goodnight, farewell, good luck, and auf weidersehen :)

late nights, long naps

Time to get to bed, but it's been too long to put off this post.

It's back to work for Jessica; I did orientation this Wednesday and I've spent the last three days trying to get a handle on what is going on in the lab, at least, my part of the lab. I think I need to just stop looking at computer screens (wow, another good reason I should go to bed instead of writing this, yet my undying passion to blog wins out) because I think my eyes are being burned out of my skull.

Umm... what else? Life is kind of boring, but tomorrow I get a chance to get out on the lake with my aunt and uncle. And maybe next weekend, friends will come down to visit!! Actually, I don't know that, but it's an open invitation to come and enjoy all that SE MN has to offer ;)

Oh, and Patty is going to be in town tomorrow! Yay for that!!

Emily is in Croatia, Jess in Kazahkstan... it'll be kinda lonely around here...

But at least I can hang out with my mom and dad :) And Neer, Dylan, and Arun, and Josiah, of course.

And I've read more than I did the entire year in the last week... that is, reading things that I wanted to read, instead of textbooks. I'm through Deception Point and The Da Vinci Code, and I'm almost through Stiff. I almost started reading The Road Ahead by Bill Gates, only that I stopped myself and realized it was written in 1995, and that it was pretty much pointless reading about potential new developments 11 years later. And that it was really boring. I literally fell asleep trying to read the intro... although I tend to do that a lot lately. Something about staying up late and then forcing myself to sleep after work.

At least it's a three-day weekend.

no introduction needed

I'M DONE!!!!!

And that's all I have to say about that. Just kidding. Am I ever at a lack for words?

OChem final was surprisingly manageable, or so I believe. And, ahh... DPsych, the class I studied maybe 2 hours in advance for, was cake. Mmm... talking about cake... (as I gaze lovingly at the cookie pizza my sister bought me for my birthday) Honors 293 portfolio is turned in, Spanish final paper is in my prof's mailbox, and the OChem lab exam was royally rocked by my excellent chemistry laboratory capabilities :) Except for the structure of hydrobenzoin; kind of forgot about that. But the rest was a cinch.

Now I'm done. Time to start thinking about what to do with all this free time... pack? make a delicious lunch for my compadres tomorrow? sleep? Ah, or choice D... all of the above!

getting there

I can't wait for this all to be over with...

Seems like everything lately has been tainted by something. I don't know what it is. It's impatience. It's misunderstanding. Guilt, grief, other crap, spite, I don't know. No se. So I repeat myself.

May Day has come and gone with less of a flourish than I hoped... I still have 8 may baskets sitting around my computer. Remember the times when kids ran from neighbor's house to the next delivering baskets, in hopes that they could deliver all of them without getting "caught" by the kids they were delivering to? Man, this was the time of year back in the day... just getting off the sugarhigh of Easter, and then having the chance to get hyped on sweets again just a couple weeks later... It's even better than Halloween, because you know you're going to get good stuff in those baskets, whereas... you know, the lady who always gives out ShockTarts and Tootsie Rolls at Halloween? That definitely doesn't happen ;) Actually, those two aren't so bad. It's the Smarties and the Bottlecaps that get me gagging. Or the homemade-looking multicolored taffy candies that may or may not have razorblades and needles in them.

Yeah.

So, time to catch up on a little more meaningless stuff before this hectic weekend. I'll be home in 11 days, and done with finals in 8!!

don't let life pass you by

Wow. Life has been a whirlwind the last two weeks.

I just finished my last Ochem exam before the final in a week and a half... That is a relief to have done. I still have a big paper to write for my Honors Directions and Dimensions in Healthcare class... I'll be writing about women's reproductive rights and politics... and why there is such a disparity between the rights of women and the rights of men when it comes to reproductive rights, according to the state. I also have ONE MORE paper for Spanish, which shouldn't be too intense, since I've been putting in a lot of work in all my papers all throughout the semester. And, haha, Developmental Psych, but I'm not too worried at all about that. So, basically the one thing that I'll be sweating next week will be the final ACS OChem test.

So... why haven't I posted in a while? I took a day off of school and went down to Mankato Tuesday afternoon for my Grandma Hensel's funeral. What an amazing woman... she spent her entire life caring for others, loving, and being so utterly accepting of absolutely everyone. We were talking about this at her funeral: Who can truly say that they have never said a bad thing about ANYONE their entire life? I remember so clearly waking up on those Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations in her enormous farm house, going with Laura to the kitchen to peek at all the breakfast foods in the porch (mmm... her caramel rolls were to die for!), and there was Grandma, working away at making a pot-full of oatmeal for all the family.

She would just be humming away as we walked into the kitchen, smiling broadly when she turned around to see us rummaging through the pans and tins of goodies on the porch. She would ask us what we wanted for breakfast, and then after getting that ready, she would run out to the chicken coop and the garden to take care of chores. Her kitchen always smelled of warm, rich aromas mixed with the freshness of cool, washed vegetables and the smell of dew on the grass through the window over the sink. The rest of the house always smelled musty, but we all knew why that was; Catherine worked so hard in the kitchen that there was rarely a moment that she sat and rested at my grandfather's side. She lived for her family, and she lived for her husband. Most of all, though, she lived for the Lord and believed in him so much that she failed to believe that there could be a truly bad soul in the world.

My grandma Catherine Hensel 1910-2006
Caring, joyful, devoted, compassionate, beautiful, visionary, loving, humming, giving, grandma, mother, wife, sister, and great-grandma. She gave us life; she gave us the world.

sophomoritis?

Bleh, it's hard to motivate myself to do work right now.

I feel like such a rebel... I'm choosing not to do my DPsych workbook pages, because they are a huge pain in the ass, and even if I don't do the rest of the workbook assignments for the rest of the semester, it's only going to bring me down to a 95%. Honestly. NOT worth the effort.

Oooh, that about perfectly described my pissed-off attitude, as well. I need to figure out whatever is really bothering me, because I have been in a bad mood for too long and it's getting tiring.

I've posted about this once before. But it still seems to bother me: the closer one is to someone, the easier it is to be affected by the little things that person does. If they are in a crappy mood, then I'm going to be affected by it. If they don't make time for me, then I take it as they don't want to be around me. I'm hurt by the fact that they have homework, friends, and obligations just like me, but I don't see how the double standard I'm employing is unfair.

I hate being dependent on other people, especially when it comes to my own emotions.

But why is it that I get that way? Why do I take my own failures so seriously and use them against other people? It shouldn't be my friends' faults that I fill my life with so much extra stuff. It shouldn't be their fault for my inability to separate my evaluation of myself as a person from the successes or failures of my organizations, events, etc.

I just need to let it go.

And cry.

sugar beet goodness

Back to Stinky Town. Mmm mmm mmm...

Oh, it was a short break. I underestimated how serious my grandma's stroke was on Wednesday... we spent all of Saturday and Sunday morning with her in Mankato, saying goodbye... and crying... and seeing family... but more of that to come when she actually passes away, probably. It's funny. I come up here, and it's like I can separate myself from the sorrow, even though it means just as much here... I wish I could be back home right now. It's hard to concentrate on homework when you know that your grandma is slowly slipping away. But it's even worse, because I can't even feel sadness here. I feel like a stupid, emotionless boulder.

This is a dumb post.

Well, Karate Chili Feed far surpassed my expectations. I think we actually made money! And I thought we would end up in the hole... eh, it was a definite possibility... We at least made about 2 tanks-full of gas. :) Now, whose gas tank, that is the question :) Actually, probably 3 tanks for my car, but that's because it only holds about 11 gallons of gas ;)

Okay, time for hw.

Come to the J/F Talent Show this Thursday at 8:30 P.M.!!!

gimme a B...R...E...A...K!!

So, what's the big idea about treating Jessica as if she's just a block of emotionless cement?(Apologies to any cement blocks out there who do have feelings...) Honestly, I've tried as hard as I could the last few days to be resistant to the rude treatment I've been getting. But, alas, I am just a sister, not an emotional, feeling being.

It really doesn't help in making anything else better, either.

Next time you act, think about what others are going through. You're not the only one out there, and the things you do can severely hurt a person, even if it doesn't show on her face.

I'm ready for break, that's for sure.

My soul feels empty. I hate this feeling.

anti-perfect

Not exactly perfect, no, I guess that was a wrong statement.

Such is life, though.

I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely
Lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can’t
Go back to bed
It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day
Everybody knows that something’s wrong
But nobody knows what’s going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It’s shaping up to be a lonely day

Lonely Day - Phantom Planet

four-square days

Okay, so everything is infinitely better now!

I got back my grade for that OChem test I took last Tuesday, and I got a 93%!! You probably don't know how exciting that is for me, but just to give you an idea: the two previous tests I took in the class were 77% and 82%. This will help me out a lot in my quest for a B :) As long as I can keep from failing all of the in-class pop quizzes. That's necessary too.

Last night was more fun than I've had in a long time. Madelyn and I just walked around campus for awhile while Jordan skated circles around us on rollerblades. Then we had a heated game of four-square with some of the Fulton guys until, well, about 1 A.M. or so... :) And THEN... April finally got back from boozing up at the local bars with Dave and Kjerstin (tee hee it's okay, you're legal, April) so we watched Donnie Darko over at Dave's until, like, 4. And I think I remember an hour of it, maybe. I'm still tired, and my arm hurts from playing catch with a dodgeball ;) I know, I'm a wimp...

So, that's what life is like, currently. I hope the rest of the semester will be semi-stressfree, because I was definitely missing the freedom for a good 3 weeks or so.

And... Blogger's picture-upload thinger is finally working again, so... enjoy!

<-- I think April was reacting adversely to me caressing her arm... Oh, and this was us before the Honors Formal. Don't they look amazing??!

waiting for the onslaught

A lovely Saturday afternoon it is... if only I could spend it in a worthwhile way, instead of studying my butt off. Seriously, the profs have it in for me this week. Jordan and I give our DPsych presentation on Monday, then on Tuesday I have OChem exam #3 and Spanish paper #2 to turn in, and on Wednesday a DPsych test, and on Thursday, my Spanish group is presenting on Guatemala. Oh, I can't wait for Thursday afternoon for all of this to be done with. Oh yeah, and we somehow have to get a quorum to pass changes in the HPSO constitution on Thursday afternoon. So, it won't really be all over by then. Sigh.

But Friday! I think that I'm going to finally get a haircut then, to celebrate getting all this shiznit done. Yay!! And the week after this week (aka the week leading up to Easter Break) will be completely free, apart from due dates for Talent Show sign-up and a practice for the event, and working at the Math Learning Center. It'll be fantastic, I can just feel it... but until then, back to the books. Time to start writing that paper that's due in three days.

Hasta luego, mis muchachos. Aqui estan unos fotos de las semanas pasadas... :)

<-- Some troublemaking bison that liked to block the road in Yellowstone

<-- I'm trying not to slip as we walk around Mammoth Hot Springs...

<-- All dressed up for the Honors Formal!

I'd put the picture of all the girls dressed for the formal, but for some reason, Blogger is not letting it upload. Another time, perhaps.